I realize I'm a little tardy in addressing this tragedy, but it's taken a few days to collect my thoughts. I still can't wrap my head around the reality of a kindergarten classroom being exposed to a gunman. It's something so horrendous that not even Hollywood would dare include it in a movie; yet it happened.
Seeing pictures of the mass-murderer, it's impossible to not question What made him so evil? I don't think we'll ever truly know. The evidence suggests that he found out his mom was going to submit her son into a psychiatric ward, and he found out. In an attempt to evade the inevitable, and make his mom suffer for betraying him, he went to her school that day and struck terror. Is society as a whole okay with letting that be the reason? Is that something we can just shrug off and say "he went crazy....he was insane... his mom should have concealed it better"??
If this was the only case of tragic action being taken in recent history, then maybe. From the Virginia Tech shooting, to the Colorado movie theater shooting, to the Oregon mall shooting, mass murders continue to be taking place in the United States. It's not just the case of one man being crazy, it's not just the case of one loose end not being tied up. More than anything else, this tragedy that occurred in Newtown should suggest to us that society NEEDS change.
We need to change the way we treat and interact (or fail to interact) with ostracized kids. We need to recognize violent tendencies in our youth, and seek immediate help. We need to remind our loved ones that we still love them. Nobody should feel nervous about going to school, the mall, or a movie. It's insane. Part of me wants to yell "FUCK YOU" to society and to the psychopaths within it that continue to commit these atrocities, but the logical part of me realizes that solves nothing.
I don't want to have to walk through metal detectors on my way to school... I don't envision my children's classrooms being guarded by armed men. My heart is heavy. America doesn't seem to have an answer, other than "BRING GOD BACK INTO THE SCHOOLS," which is an illogical and dividing argument even to a devout Christian like myself. I don't think a lack of God's presence is what altered the path that the Newtown killer traveled upon; I think it was a history of mishaps and maltreatments that brought him to the psychotic level, under which he killed those innocent children.
My prayers have been lackluster and confused these past days. I don't understand God's plans. I don't know how to cope with something so horrific, and I wish it wasn't real life. I send my deepest regards to the families of the lost ones, whom may have moved to the small-town Connecticut community as a means of avoiding conflicts like this. A once pleasant and peaceful city will now forever be tainted by what went down last Friday; it's traumatizing.
It's our humane obligation to ensure that these lives were not lost in vain. Change the way you treat others, reach out to those who seem troubled, and allow room for more people in your heart. I can't promise you that you will save lives by doing so, but I am certain you won't be hurting any.
-Jack
Wednesday, December 19, 2012
Sunday, December 9, 2012
on identity
This post is partially inspired by an Andrew Root lecture.
When looking at people's Bios on Twitter, or About Mes on Facebook, the irrefutable trend is inadequate descriptions of oneself. Most say, "Sophomore at So-and-So University," or "rapper", or "mother", or some vaguely coherent country lyric. More than anything, I think this is reflective upon the fact that most of us don't truly no who we are. We identify ourselves as a being in relation to our location, our profession, our hobbies, or our relations to others.
I'm nearing 20 years old, and I still have no idea who I am. The complexities of my thought process puzzle me daily. This weekend, I heard of an anonymous friend of mine who asked What is Jack even doing with his life? It's a reasonable question.
I can't decisively say what career I want to hold when I'm out of college. I can't really even say what college I will graduate from. A couple weeks ago, I talked to admissions at the U of M about a potential transfer. I don't really know what God has planned for me, and I don't really know what I have planned for myself.
I think all of us struggle with this identity question. Most of our lives, our names have been traced with characteristics that those around us have stenciled into our identities. The polarity of things I've heard about Jack Yakowicz are wide-spread; I've been called everything from "The nicest guy I've ever met," to "the biggest fucking asshole." We're expected to assimilate into these traits that others brand us with.
At the end of the day, I can't pinpoint certain qualities of myself, because everything is relative to how an outsider perceives it. I'm not rushing time, the stars will align and I have the utmost excitement when it comes to my future. It'll be cool to see where my "identity" is in 10 years...
When looking at people's Bios on Twitter, or About Mes on Facebook, the irrefutable trend is inadequate descriptions of oneself. Most say, "Sophomore at So-and-So University," or "rapper", or "mother", or some vaguely coherent country lyric. More than anything, I think this is reflective upon the fact that most of us don't truly no who we are. We identify ourselves as a being in relation to our location, our profession, our hobbies, or our relations to others.
I'm nearing 20 years old, and I still have no idea who I am. The complexities of my thought process puzzle me daily. This weekend, I heard of an anonymous friend of mine who asked What is Jack even doing with his life? It's a reasonable question.
I can't decisively say what career I want to hold when I'm out of college. I can't really even say what college I will graduate from. A couple weeks ago, I talked to admissions at the U of M about a potential transfer. I don't really know what God has planned for me, and I don't really know what I have planned for myself.
I think all of us struggle with this identity question. Most of our lives, our names have been traced with characteristics that those around us have stenciled into our identities. The polarity of things I've heard about Jack Yakowicz are wide-spread; I've been called everything from "The nicest guy I've ever met," to "the biggest fucking asshole." We're expected to assimilate into these traits that others brand us with.
At the end of the day, I can't pinpoint certain qualities of myself, because everything is relative to how an outsider perceives it. I'm not rushing time, the stars will align and I have the utmost excitement when it comes to my future. It'll be cool to see where my "identity" is in 10 years...
Monday, October 29, 2012
on God
As a kid, God and Santa Claus were one to me. I don't mean that in a blasphemous way, but I believed God to be this sort of super-human, who lived in a distant land, could witness whether I did good deeds or bad ones, and would bring me an occasional gift. Sort of like Santa Claus, no? As I grew older, my concept of my God matured, and also became more personal. I attempted to characterize Heaven.
When I was seven years old, both my grandpas passed away. Those were the first experiences I had with death, but I was too young to mourn; I was too young to understand, thus the loss of my family members didn't result in any sort of stagnation of my faith life.
My first time questioning my religion was Junior year of high school. How it happened was weird, too. I taught Sunday School at my church, and was running late to my 9:45 class. By that time, the parking lot was already full due to our abnormally large congregation size, so I had to park on a street neighboring the Church's lot. I didn't notice at the time, but when I got out of class and made my way to my car, I saw that I was parked in front of a fire extinguisher. Something I wouldn't have even made notice of had I not seen the piece of loose leaf paper under my windshield wiper. It was a letter from the owner of the house I had parked in front of. The details are a little fuzzy by now, but the letter read something like this:
Thanks for parking right in front of the fire extinguisher that would keep our children safe in case of danger. That was very Christian of you.
Maybe this was a dramatic note to have received, but I'm sure the reaction of me parking in front of that fire extinguisher was more symbolic of that family's distaste with the church. Christianity is sort of like the giant glass dome that Springfield is enclosed by in the Simpson's Movie (it's 10 pm, the analytic part of my brain is off). When you're on the inside, you don't really notice the flaws. When you step outside, you're persuaded by the negative opinions towards the religion.
Over the next two years, I lost my grandma, my cousin, and two friends in succession. Death became all the more immanent, and along with other mental and social lapses, I lost touch with God. Here's the thing; when you're going through tough times, you're either looking for salvation or for an outlet. If you feel like things don't get any better over a period of time, you turn to that outlet; I was mad at God, and my prior years in that spiritual trance. I felt somewhat betrayed.
Shit turned upward for my life, though. Slowly, and surely, God crept back into the foreground of my being. I think like any relationship, a break from religion can sometimes be beneficial. It took those couple rollercoaster years for me to realize how important faith was to me, and the greatest part about it was, that I found out what God meant to me ON MY OWN. I wasn't being forced to go to church services, I wasn't swayed back into Christianity due to a friend, family member, or girlfriend; I just re-established my own faith.
There's still questions I have, and facets of the World's workings that I don't think I'll ever understand, but I don't need to understand it. It's not for me to comprehend.. I trust I'm on the right path, and I'm staying patient through everything.
-Jack
Friday, October 5, 2012
the good fortune complex
Early morning thoughts after a sleepless night:
For a lot of my life, I've lived through this tunneled concept of reality in which I'm one of the more naturally fortunate people on the world. I've been draped in blessings, and positive circumstances from day one; naturally, I had kind of grown into this beatific way of living-- thinking everything that was handed to me was deserved by me, and anything not granted to me was mine to go get. I never really took time to realize all the work going on behind the scenes that truly provided me with these gifts, and this great life. The toils of my mom and dad, the instructions and guidance of my teachers; the good words from my friends. I've been very humbled lately by some interpersonal, and intrapersonal conflicts. I don't want to elaborate on too much, but I've began to view everything in a different light, and have moved away from those esoteric feelings and towards a newer gratitude and motivational drive.
So here's a few parting words:
You can either face the world as though it owes you something, or you can realize that there are a million people chasing the same thing you desire, and you can put in the work to acquire what it is that you want. One's will is a powerful thing when it's used to it's fullest.
Have a good weekend everybody,
-Jack
For a lot of my life, I've lived through this tunneled concept of reality in which I'm one of the more naturally fortunate people on the world. I've been draped in blessings, and positive circumstances from day one; naturally, I had kind of grown into this beatific way of living-- thinking everything that was handed to me was deserved by me, and anything not granted to me was mine to go get. I never really took time to realize all the work going on behind the scenes that truly provided me with these gifts, and this great life. The toils of my mom and dad, the instructions and guidance of my teachers; the good words from my friends. I've been very humbled lately by some interpersonal, and intrapersonal conflicts. I don't want to elaborate on too much, but I've began to view everything in a different light, and have moved away from those esoteric feelings and towards a newer gratitude and motivational drive.
So here's a few parting words:
You can either face the world as though it owes you something, or you can realize that there are a million people chasing the same thing you desire, and you can put in the work to acquire what it is that you want. One's will is a powerful thing when it's used to it's fullest.
Have a good weekend everybody,
-Jack
Tuesday, September 25, 2012
Permanence?
Last night, after my final episode of "How I Met Your Mother," I took a pee, brushed my teeth, and climbed up into my loft. For the first time in about a year, I felt genuine homesickness. Nothing really provoked it, nothing really warranted it, and I'm not totally sure what it's significance was.
I'd be lying if I said I'm totally thrilled about being up in Moorhead. But, I've managed to stay busy enough to trick my mind into not caring. When my mom was visiting for parent weekend last Friday, I brought up the prospect of a transfer. We had a similar talk last year, resulting in a similar response to the one I got again.
"Jack, I just don't want you to transfer for the wrong reasons."
Touche.
But, after the weird homesick feeling I had last night, I'm starting to think... what would be considered an appropriate reason for wanting to transfer?
To be honest, home is awesome. Transferring to the U would make college one of the greatest experiences in my life; I have no doubt. My friends back home that are going to school in the cities are awesome, the U is extremely renowned for their business programs, and the... girls are hot (yeah, that last reason sounds dumb as I type it, too, but hey, I'm a guy).
I guess the reason I haven't been more active about pursuing this transfer is because I hate to feel like I'm quitting. "When times get tough, the tough get going," no? But at the same time, I need to be aware that I ALWAYS have options; no situation should ever be looked at is permanent and unchangeable.
I realize that this post almost directly negates everything I wrote about in the post below; but hey, I'm human--we're built on irony and contradictions.
When I close my eyes and envision where I'll be six months from now, I can't come to a definitive conclusion.
I don't know if you can pinpoint a moral to grasp from this post, but I guess, if any, it'd be to not limit yourself. Don't let your stubbornness compensate for too much of your happiness.
Whether I stay a Cobber, or turn Gopher, I don't know. But I do know that God is gonna put me on the right path, either way... so I'm chill.
Happy Tuesday sluts,
-Jack
I'd be lying if I said I'm totally thrilled about being up in Moorhead. But, I've managed to stay busy enough to trick my mind into not caring. When my mom was visiting for parent weekend last Friday, I brought up the prospect of a transfer. We had a similar talk last year, resulting in a similar response to the one I got again.
"Jack, I just don't want you to transfer for the wrong reasons."
Touche.
But, after the weird homesick feeling I had last night, I'm starting to think... what would be considered an appropriate reason for wanting to transfer?
To be honest, home is awesome. Transferring to the U would make college one of the greatest experiences in my life; I have no doubt. My friends back home that are going to school in the cities are awesome, the U is extremely renowned for their business programs, and the... girls are hot (yeah, that last reason sounds dumb as I type it, too, but hey, I'm a guy).
I guess the reason I haven't been more active about pursuing this transfer is because I hate to feel like I'm quitting. "When times get tough, the tough get going," no? But at the same time, I need to be aware that I ALWAYS have options; no situation should ever be looked at is permanent and unchangeable.
I realize that this post almost directly negates everything I wrote about in the post below; but hey, I'm human--we're built on irony and contradictions.
When I close my eyes and envision where I'll be six months from now, I can't come to a definitive conclusion.
I don't know if you can pinpoint a moral to grasp from this post, but I guess, if any, it'd be to not limit yourself. Don't let your stubbornness compensate for too much of your happiness.
Whether I stay a Cobber, or turn Gopher, I don't know. But I do know that God is gonna put me on the right path, either way... so I'm chill.
Happy Tuesday sluts,
-Jack
Friday, September 21, 2012
A conversation with my german prof
Sorry for my absence from the blog this past month; More has gone on in my life that I could even begin to fill you in on, so I'll skip the redundancy of trying to summarize the ups and downs. Instead, I'll short cut to a conversation I had with my German professor this afternoon that put it all in perspective...
Ever since returning to Concordia, I've been in a worse mood. Transitioning from the euphoria of a great summer to a bland environment where drama is as abundant as the cornfields, it's no wonder how my tweets have seemed a little melancholy lately. Apparently, that attitude has also made an appearance into the class room.
My German professor, asked me to come in and talk to her one-on-one today (every teen boy's fantasy, right?). I was skeptical as to what her insistence on a conversation regarded. I have an A in the class, and didn't think my behavior--besides the occassional sexual german remarks--was noteworthy enough to validate the need for a meeting. The conversation was a lot more positive than I could have expected; but it was also a call to action.
She told me that I'm one of the brightest students she's ever come across at Concordia (granted, the german classrooms are sparcer than the presence of body fat on Jack Frederickson). She said I'm a leader--whether I accept that role or not--and need to spread my talents to a lot more facets than I currently am. She said I have the power to make an indent on this campus, and in the community, and I need to be more aware of that and not waste my potential and opportunities.
"Damn, that's deep for a Friday afternoon, Frau," I replied.
But, she's right.
As my mom's always told me, the level of difficulty involved in coping with any situation in life is only as prevalent as I make it. Admittedly, I've been walking around campus the first month of this school year with my ear buds in, eyes down on the pavement, and an aura of discontent surrounding me. As opposed to looking at every situation in life as temporary, I need to become passionate about altering the outcome of every trial I'm handed. I need to take on the role as a leader, and feel more comfortable changing lives around me.
Taking a break from my normal, humble self-- I have a lot of talents. I'm an average athlete, decent student, but I'd like to think I'm capable of being a role model for a lot of people.
We all have a calling; sometimes we just need to hear someone else validate it. The sun's shining, my folks are in town, and I'm feeling happy. Today may just be the start of a new era. I'm excited
-Jack
Ever since returning to Concordia, I've been in a worse mood. Transitioning from the euphoria of a great summer to a bland environment where drama is as abundant as the cornfields, it's no wonder how my tweets have seemed a little melancholy lately. Apparently, that attitude has also made an appearance into the class room.
My German professor, asked me to come in and talk to her one-on-one today (every teen boy's fantasy, right?). I was skeptical as to what her insistence on a conversation regarded. I have an A in the class, and didn't think my behavior--besides the occassional sexual german remarks--was noteworthy enough to validate the need for a meeting. The conversation was a lot more positive than I could have expected; but it was also a call to action.
She told me that I'm one of the brightest students she's ever come across at Concordia (granted, the german classrooms are sparcer than the presence of body fat on Jack Frederickson). She said I'm a leader--whether I accept that role or not--and need to spread my talents to a lot more facets than I currently am. She said I have the power to make an indent on this campus, and in the community, and I need to be more aware of that and not waste my potential and opportunities.
"Damn, that's deep for a Friday afternoon, Frau," I replied.
But, she's right.
As my mom's always told me, the level of difficulty involved in coping with any situation in life is only as prevalent as I make it. Admittedly, I've been walking around campus the first month of this school year with my ear buds in, eyes down on the pavement, and an aura of discontent surrounding me. As opposed to looking at every situation in life as temporary, I need to become passionate about altering the outcome of every trial I'm handed. I need to take on the role as a leader, and feel more comfortable changing lives around me.
Taking a break from my normal, humble self-- I have a lot of talents. I'm an average athlete, decent student, but I'd like to think I'm capable of being a role model for a lot of people.
We all have a calling; sometimes we just need to hear someone else validate it. The sun's shining, my folks are in town, and I'm feeling happy. Today may just be the start of a new era. I'm excited
-Jack
Wednesday, August 22, 2012
Nostalgic Bike Rides
I pulled out my bike today. Didn't feel like driving a car around; some sort of mid-teens crisis, maybe. The last time I had ridden on that bike was probably April of sophomore year in high school. Over the last three and a half years, I think the possession of a car has accompanied a certain freedom and independence. It has also commemorated a divergence from certain people in my life; I've been able to travel farther.
In middle school, all of my friends HAD to be within about a two mile radius of my house. Otherwise, it was simply unfeasible to maintain a relationship with them; especially in the summer months. I loved summer in my early teen years. I would spend most mornings mowing my neighbors' lawns, then using the money to go down to the neighborhood CVS and buy some candy or pushups (those fucking awesome orange-flavored ice cream treats they always passed out at the last day of soccer games as kids). In the afternoons, I'd ride my bike over to Ben or Matt's house, wake them up, and head over to a nearby girl's place for the day. There was this girl I was convinced I was in love with. She introduced me to the song "Fix You" by Coldplay, and it instantly became my most-listened-to song on my iPod. The memory of her will forever be the summer afternoons I biked over to her house. Part of me still thinks I have feelings for her; that's the child in me, though.
I'm a much taller, stronger, wealthier person now than I was five years ago. Yet, emotionally, I don't think much has changed. Especially as I ride that bike around; nostalgia brings me back to the adolescent feelings I thought had been repressed. I'm glad I still have the memories.
Today was a good day. Reaffirmation that any part of my history can be resurrected through thoughts. I like that.
-Jack
In middle school, all of my friends HAD to be within about a two mile radius of my house. Otherwise, it was simply unfeasible to maintain a relationship with them; especially in the summer months. I loved summer in my early teen years. I would spend most mornings mowing my neighbors' lawns, then using the money to go down to the neighborhood CVS and buy some candy or pushups (those fucking awesome orange-flavored ice cream treats they always passed out at the last day of soccer games as kids). In the afternoons, I'd ride my bike over to Ben or Matt's house, wake them up, and head over to a nearby girl's place for the day. There was this girl I was convinced I was in love with. She introduced me to the song "Fix You" by Coldplay, and it instantly became my most-listened-to song on my iPod. The memory of her will forever be the summer afternoons I biked over to her house. Part of me still thinks I have feelings for her; that's the child in me, though.
I'm a much taller, stronger, wealthier person now than I was five years ago. Yet, emotionally, I don't think much has changed. Especially as I ride that bike around; nostalgia brings me back to the adolescent feelings I thought had been repressed. I'm glad I still have the memories.
Today was a good day. Reaffirmation that any part of my history can be resurrected through thoughts. I like that.
-Jack
Wednesday, August 15, 2012
move
There's not much here for me anymore.
The floor of my room is scattered with clothes I don't wear; The glove compartment of my car serves as a lackluster photobook of faces I never see anymore.
I sometimes lie about having to work, because I'd rather stay at home and watch a movie; I don't want people to plead with me, because I can't say "no" as easily as I used to.
There's not really any love interests for me back home; only girls that I'm physically attracted to.
There's a handful of kids whom I can't stand.
I've gotten through 5 ENTIRE TV series on Netflix since returning from school in May. I'm clearly bored.
I find myself clinging to a lot of vices; finding solace in a routine that I don't even find enjoyable. It's just... routine.
I make too much music.
I officially have nine days left of residence in Eagan. Next summer I'll be staying up at school; hopefully getting an internship so I can do something FUCKING useful to give back to this annoying ass society. I keep lusting more and more independence in my life; I think that's a sign of some sort. I don't know, though.
I love words. It's cool... I started out this blogpost by looking at my empty laundry basket, and by the end of this post you're going to think I'm a cryptic, self-loathing douche. That's fine though, most of you are temporary. The good ones will stay; they know who they are.
Two years and nine months from now I will have graduated college. I will be packing up my car, and heading to California. If I have a friend in the passenger seat, that'd be dope. If I don't, that's alright. I'm gonna make something of my life. I'm pumped for that.
I will probably come back to Minnesota during Christmas time, spend it with my lovely mother and hopefully-less-anal dad. I love my family.
I think it's time to move on; I feel like Red at the end of Shawshank. Now go back and read this post in a Morgan Freeman voice.
-Jack
Tuesday, August 14, 2012
"Creative Rec" Prelude
Thomas Lake Mixtape was a flop. If you don't know what I'm talking about, that only validates my point.
After numerous recording equipment and morale issues, I had finally found resolve about a month ago. I drafted nine songs, found nine TREMENDOUS instrumentals, and mixed myself a new tape within three weeks. I'm really proud of "Creative Rec" for what it is; and I think you guys will find it palatable too. Here's the thing though...
When I dropped my first tape Senior Year of high school, I had ZERO expectations. The reaction to that tape eradicated any doubt that I had about my content matter, and lyricism. You guys showed me a massive amount of love and I was taken aback. I think a lot of people think this Modest-Jack thing is just a facade; it's truly not. I DON'T expect much. So to see that kind of acclaim for something that was a quasi-demo for me was awesome. Kinesis received love from those who heard it. How To Make it In America got up to number 2 Mixtape of it's release day on HotNewHipHop.com. Since then, I've felt a loss of interest amongst fans/listeners/critics. Everything has been really under the radar, which is OK with me, but I've made a lot of adjustment.
I've finally found my purpose with music. I don't wanna be the shit you listen to when you're getting shitfaced at some party; i'll save that for your other white rappers. I don't even wanna be seen as a rapper. I wanna make music; non-genre, non-label, non-race MUSIC. I want to be what you listen to the day after a party; when you're hungover and seeking solace. I want listeners to be able to empathize with words that I speak in the same way that they do with these blog posts. I put a lot of serious content in these songs on Creative Rec.
I want you guys to hear this tape
Til Thursday,
-Jack
After numerous recording equipment and morale issues, I had finally found resolve about a month ago. I drafted nine songs, found nine TREMENDOUS instrumentals, and mixed myself a new tape within three weeks. I'm really proud of "Creative Rec" for what it is; and I think you guys will find it palatable too. Here's the thing though...
When I dropped my first tape Senior Year of high school, I had ZERO expectations. The reaction to that tape eradicated any doubt that I had about my content matter, and lyricism. You guys showed me a massive amount of love and I was taken aback. I think a lot of people think this Modest-Jack thing is just a facade; it's truly not. I DON'T expect much. So to see that kind of acclaim for something that was a quasi-demo for me was awesome. Kinesis received love from those who heard it. How To Make it In America got up to number 2 Mixtape of it's release day on HotNewHipHop.com. Since then, I've felt a loss of interest amongst fans/listeners/critics. Everything has been really under the radar, which is OK with me, but I've made a lot of adjustment.
I've finally found my purpose with music. I don't wanna be the shit you listen to when you're getting shitfaced at some party; i'll save that for your other white rappers. I don't even wanna be seen as a rapper. I wanna make music; non-genre, non-label, non-race MUSIC. I want to be what you listen to the day after a party; when you're hungover and seeking solace. I want listeners to be able to empathize with words that I speak in the same way that they do with these blog posts. I put a lot of serious content in these songs on Creative Rec.
I want you guys to hear this tape
Til Thursday,
-Jack
Saturday, August 11, 2012
My First Time Having Sex
It's about that time to migrate back to our schools. The weather's getting cooler, Target checkout lines are becoming more space, and leaves are slowly descending to the surface. At this point last year, I was neurotic. The concept of moving out of my folks' house had my anxiety through the roof, and thinking about leaving my group of friends was heart-wrenching. I think we, as humans, have this concept of a "home" being immobile. We think of the house we were raised in, the community that nurtured us, and the people whom we grew up with as a collective "home."
Home has become a synonym for our comfort box, though. How many people as children dreamt of being a child forever?! Never having to leave k-12 school, never having to move out of our parents' house, and never having to assimilate into the real world? Sounds nice, huh? EVERYBODY has an aspiration. Even the burntest of the burnt dream of burning elsewhere, right? College is really, to me, just an intermediate level towards achieving what I want from life. Reality is, after the four years of college, if you STILL (miraculously) miss home, and think that there's nothing else in life to achieve then to stay at home, YOU have that right. Go back home. But, nobody should really fret the opportunity to go out and make something of their lives. I think we all gotta leave home, if for nothing else, then to just prove that we don't really want to leave home. Don't be scared of diverging from your friend group... you'll stay in touch with the ones that matter.
Some nights, I go out my window and sit on top of the slant in my roof. I hear the wind blowing through trees, as I inhale the other tree. It's a peaceful setting, but it prompts deep thoughts that are sometimes hard to deal with. I think being at home makes me too nostalgic. I look back on the past relationships, friendships, and connections I've had in this city. I miss people. I believe everyone who has entered my life has, in some way, affected me just a little bit; They've redirected me to where I'm at now as an individual. I'm thankful for all of the drama that I've non-willingly been thrust in to. I show gratitude towards the false rumors that circulate around my name. I love the negative attention I've received in my past, because it's molded me. It's helped me segregate faux from real.
Yesterday at work, I was approached at the cafe. A sweet, elder lady named "Shauna" sat down next to me and ate a meal with me. Our conversation delved in between depths, as she began to tell me about her son with addiction. I sympathized with her. She told me that I was "Her Guy," saying how out of all the people that we work with at Target, I've always been the sweetest to her. She said she could tell my parents raised me well, and that I oughtta thank them everyday for what they've done to make me the gentleman I am. I hugged her. I wish Shauna didn't have a biased opinion of me. I wish I could have told her about the times I've talked back to my dad, about my experiences with drugs and alcohol, but I couldn't. I let her believe that I was some sort of perfect human; it was nice to hear. I am a good-hearted kid, but I wonder if Shauna would think the same if she knew my past.
My Mom and Dad worry about me. Ever since we lost my 23-year old cousin last year to drug addiction, they keep a close eye on me. They know I drink, they know I've smoked. They trust me, but they don't trust the company I keep. I wish I could settle their nerves, but I know that if I was a parent, I'd feel the same. I didn't start telling my mom "i love you" until last August, when I went to college. I don't say it enough. I've recently realized how precious life is, and it's helped me adopt the mentality of "quality over quantity" in regards to the people I let in, and let stay in my life. My family is the best blessing I've been given. I have a brother who has bailed me out of so much trouble, a sister who is too shy to tell me she loves me but sends me food when I'm away at college. I have a mom who would do anything for her children, and a dad who has provided me with all the financial help I've ever wished for.
I try to take time out of my day and think about who I want to be. I see myself as a leader. I've saved a life. I don't have an ego, but I have become increasingly confident in the prospect that I can shape the world. My faith is at an all-time high. I know the future isn't promised. I don't take shit for granted. I appreciate all the unconditional love I've received from people whom I may not have given reciprocity. I will be better. I'm SO excited about life.
I guess, this has nothing to do with my first time having sex. But I'd like to see how many of you read this just because you would hear about my dick going in vagina.... hmm. Regardless, make time in your day to thank those who deserve it. Recognize the vital components in your life, and alleviate yourself from the negative factors. Refrain from recluse, decide the outcome of your story.
-Jack
Home has become a synonym for our comfort box, though. How many people as children dreamt of being a child forever?! Never having to leave k-12 school, never having to move out of our parents' house, and never having to assimilate into the real world? Sounds nice, huh? EVERYBODY has an aspiration. Even the burntest of the burnt dream of burning elsewhere, right? College is really, to me, just an intermediate level towards achieving what I want from life. Reality is, after the four years of college, if you STILL (miraculously) miss home, and think that there's nothing else in life to achieve then to stay at home, YOU have that right. Go back home. But, nobody should really fret the opportunity to go out and make something of their lives. I think we all gotta leave home, if for nothing else, then to just prove that we don't really want to leave home. Don't be scared of diverging from your friend group... you'll stay in touch with the ones that matter.
Some nights, I go out my window and sit on top of the slant in my roof. I hear the wind blowing through trees, as I inhale the other tree. It's a peaceful setting, but it prompts deep thoughts that are sometimes hard to deal with. I think being at home makes me too nostalgic. I look back on the past relationships, friendships, and connections I've had in this city. I miss people. I believe everyone who has entered my life has, in some way, affected me just a little bit; They've redirected me to where I'm at now as an individual. I'm thankful for all of the drama that I've non-willingly been thrust in to. I show gratitude towards the false rumors that circulate around my name. I love the negative attention I've received in my past, because it's molded me. It's helped me segregate faux from real.
Yesterday at work, I was approached at the cafe. A sweet, elder lady named "Shauna" sat down next to me and ate a meal with me. Our conversation delved in between depths, as she began to tell me about her son with addiction. I sympathized with her. She told me that I was "Her Guy," saying how out of all the people that we work with at Target, I've always been the sweetest to her. She said she could tell my parents raised me well, and that I oughtta thank them everyday for what they've done to make me the gentleman I am. I hugged her. I wish Shauna didn't have a biased opinion of me. I wish I could have told her about the times I've talked back to my dad, about my experiences with drugs and alcohol, but I couldn't. I let her believe that I was some sort of perfect human; it was nice to hear. I am a good-hearted kid, but I wonder if Shauna would think the same if she knew my past.
My Mom and Dad worry about me. Ever since we lost my 23-year old cousin last year to drug addiction, they keep a close eye on me. They know I drink, they know I've smoked. They trust me, but they don't trust the company I keep. I wish I could settle their nerves, but I know that if I was a parent, I'd feel the same. I didn't start telling my mom "i love you" until last August, when I went to college. I don't say it enough. I've recently realized how precious life is, and it's helped me adopt the mentality of "quality over quantity" in regards to the people I let in, and let stay in my life. My family is the best blessing I've been given. I have a brother who has bailed me out of so much trouble, a sister who is too shy to tell me she loves me but sends me food when I'm away at college. I have a mom who would do anything for her children, and a dad who has provided me with all the financial help I've ever wished for.
I try to take time out of my day and think about who I want to be. I see myself as a leader. I've saved a life. I don't have an ego, but I have become increasingly confident in the prospect that I can shape the world. My faith is at an all-time high. I know the future isn't promised. I don't take shit for granted. I appreciate all the unconditional love I've received from people whom I may not have given reciprocity. I will be better. I'm SO excited about life.
I guess, this has nothing to do with my first time having sex. But I'd like to see how many of you read this just because you would hear about my dick going in vagina.... hmm. Regardless, make time in your day to thank those who deserve it. Recognize the vital components in your life, and alleviate yourself from the negative factors. Refrain from recluse, decide the outcome of your story.
-Jack
Wednesday, August 8, 2012
Leagues
As kids that have been through high school, and experimented with early romance/relationships, we've ALMOST all got the "she/he is out of your league" speech before from one of our friends.
Bypassing the functionality of heuristics, people have established a "league" for us to classify with. Every once in a while you can dip above or below this league, but you are restricted to the belief that you're aspirations towards the other gender have limits.
I look back on some of the pretty girls I've been involved with in my life. The initial gratification from each of those relationships was the 'score.' The catch of getting a good-looking girl, and having your bros say "DAMN dude, she's hot." This was a naive incentive...
I think any girl who perceives an intangible 'league' with boundaries around them is a girl that is NOT worth pursuing. Being a heterosexual individual, I don't rate myself. For all I know, I'm a 1/10 on a given girl's scale... who am I to say I deserve a more attractive girl? That's stupid as hell. I think too many people have gotten by in life on the sole basis of their looks.
I've dealt with so many untrustworthy, self-interested, spiteful women in my life, that at this point in time i can HONESTLY say, I only like girls now based on their personalities. Obviously, I'm sexually attracted to a lot of women, but I am also very unattracted to a lot of those people based off their personalities (lack thereof). I just want a cute, music-loving girl I can kick it with. The type you can introduce to mom and pops, ya know?
Moral: stop acting like you're in a certain league, leave your possibilities open.
-Jack
Bypassing the functionality of heuristics, people have established a "league" for us to classify with. Every once in a while you can dip above or below this league, but you are restricted to the belief that you're aspirations towards the other gender have limits.
I look back on some of the pretty girls I've been involved with in my life. The initial gratification from each of those relationships was the 'score.' The catch of getting a good-looking girl, and having your bros say "DAMN dude, she's hot." This was a naive incentive...
I think any girl who perceives an intangible 'league' with boundaries around them is a girl that is NOT worth pursuing. Being a heterosexual individual, I don't rate myself. For all I know, I'm a 1/10 on a given girl's scale... who am I to say I deserve a more attractive girl? That's stupid as hell. I think too many people have gotten by in life on the sole basis of their looks.
I've dealt with so many untrustworthy, self-interested, spiteful women in my life, that at this point in time i can HONESTLY say, I only like girls now based on their personalities. Obviously, I'm sexually attracted to a lot of women, but I am also very unattracted to a lot of those people based off their personalities (lack thereof). I just want a cute, music-loving girl I can kick it with. The type you can introduce to mom and pops, ya know?
Moral: stop acting like you're in a certain league, leave your possibilities open.
-Jack
Sunday, August 5, 2012
Bird leaves Nest
I was pushing carts again today. Riveting as always... I'll skip the boring shit, and tell you about something kind of cool that I witnessed, instead.
I was headed back out of the building and towards the parking lot when I passed one of the giant red poles outside of the facade. Adjacent to this red post, where the bottom roof and the cement above the post meet, was a bird nest which I had noticed a couple months back. My introduction with this bird's nest was less than friendly, as I had to dodge the Mother Bird's disposal of shit plummeting towards my shoulder (true story). But over these last couple months, I've been able to see the eggs turn to little babies, who've then rented the nest to a new mother bird and a new set of blue eggs. Nature's cool, huh? (shout to Annalise Peck lol).
Today when I was walking past the post near the bird's nest, I saw a little girl (probably about 6 years old, cute little thing with glasses and a ponytail) point up at the nest and say "Daddy, look! Birdies!" I've heard this from many children over the past two months... it's usually followed by a non-chalant reply from their dad saying "that's cool sweetie" while they continue to move through the automatic doors and near the carts, not even glancing up at the nest. Today, though, the dad stopped, looked up at the nest, and said "Wow, sweetheart that is so cool! Let's take a picture!"
I don't know why, but that kind of struck a chord with me. My whole time growing up, I was given the "oh Jack, you'll understand when you're older" that I'm sure EVERY kid received on numerous occasions. Most of my drawings/essays were stored up in neat little manila folders which now reside in a quasi-receptacle in our basement storage room. We were always given the absent "that's cool" as children, and it just quickly becomes indoctrinated in our brains that adults DON'T GIVE A SHIT what you have to say. I think, to an extent, I still haven't escaped that ominous cloud.
My parents still look at me as an adolescent, and society still gives me less capacity for credibility. It's a struggle. As a parent, I'm gonna be more like that dad I saw today at Target. I'm gonna take the time to recognize the imagination of my kid, and I'm gonna commemorate their works. I think kids are some of the most adventurous and imaginative inhabitants of this world, and there's a lot that can be taken from what they have to say and from vicinities they've explored.
-Jack
I was headed back out of the building and towards the parking lot when I passed one of the giant red poles outside of the facade. Adjacent to this red post, where the bottom roof and the cement above the post meet, was a bird nest which I had noticed a couple months back. My introduction with this bird's nest was less than friendly, as I had to dodge the Mother Bird's disposal of shit plummeting towards my shoulder (true story). But over these last couple months, I've been able to see the eggs turn to little babies, who've then rented the nest to a new mother bird and a new set of blue eggs. Nature's cool, huh? (shout to Annalise Peck lol).
Today when I was walking past the post near the bird's nest, I saw a little girl (probably about 6 years old, cute little thing with glasses and a ponytail) point up at the nest and say "Daddy, look! Birdies!" I've heard this from many children over the past two months... it's usually followed by a non-chalant reply from their dad saying "that's cool sweetie" while they continue to move through the automatic doors and near the carts, not even glancing up at the nest. Today, though, the dad stopped, looked up at the nest, and said "Wow, sweetheart that is so cool! Let's take a picture!"
I don't know why, but that kind of struck a chord with me. My whole time growing up, I was given the "oh Jack, you'll understand when you're older" that I'm sure EVERY kid received on numerous occasions. Most of my drawings/essays were stored up in neat little manila folders which now reside in a quasi-receptacle in our basement storage room. We were always given the absent "that's cool" as children, and it just quickly becomes indoctrinated in our brains that adults DON'T GIVE A SHIT what you have to say. I think, to an extent, I still haven't escaped that ominous cloud.
My parents still look at me as an adolescent, and society still gives me less capacity for credibility. It's a struggle. As a parent, I'm gonna be more like that dad I saw today at Target. I'm gonna take the time to recognize the imagination of my kid, and I'm gonna commemorate their works. I think kids are some of the most adventurous and imaginative inhabitants of this world, and there's a lot that can be taken from what they have to say and from vicinities they've explored.
-Jack
Monday, July 30, 2012
re: How To Get Laid
This was inspired by Joyee Chin's blogpost last evening.
What I enjoy most about reading her blogs is that she doesn't give a fuck about giving fucks. I think society has trained too many girls to be hush-hush about their sex lives, and it's kinda unfair how opposite that is for men. I respect people that can openly talk about sex/fucking/"making love" (side note, Joyee... NOBODY calls it 'making love' unless they're virgins). I think if everybody could be open about this kind of shit, it would take away from the taboo behind it. That being said, i present you with the impeccably-stepped "HOW TO GET LAID (IF YOU'RE A GIRL)":
tell somebody you want to fuck, lol.
I'm sure after people read Joyee's blog her phone starts blowing up with texts like "hey joyee, i just read you're blog. You're such a good writer :) you should teach me how to write :) my dick is a keyboard :)" ... hopefully not to that extent, but let's be honest... the male race is an ungodly group of horny individuals. Any girl who is avowedly willing for sex is put on a pedestal by our gender, because only about 5 % of girls are outright DTF, whereas about 95 % of dudes are (statistic brought to you by the Jackson Dady Yakowicz Research Foundation).
From my experiences, I know that there's A LOT more than 5 % that are down, though.. The "she's-a-prude-she-will-only-give-handjobs" type mindset is mythical. It's just girls are judged 20 times more than guys are for their promiscuity. I'm not saying it SHOULD be that way, but it just is. Just like how society frowns on female masturbation, but encourages ours.
I say, if you wanna have sex, have sex. You'll often be subject to judgement, and circulating rumors from all of Apple Valley, but fuck it... literally.
-Jack
What I enjoy most about reading her blogs is that she doesn't give a fuck about giving fucks. I think society has trained too many girls to be hush-hush about their sex lives, and it's kinda unfair how opposite that is for men. I respect people that can openly talk about sex/fucking/"making love" (side note, Joyee... NOBODY calls it 'making love' unless they're virgins). I think if everybody could be open about this kind of shit, it would take away from the taboo behind it. That being said, i present you with the impeccably-stepped "HOW TO GET LAID (IF YOU'RE A GIRL)":
tell somebody you want to fuck, lol.
I'm sure after people read Joyee's blog her phone starts blowing up with texts like "hey joyee, i just read you're blog. You're such a good writer :) you should teach me how to write :) my dick is a keyboard :)" ... hopefully not to that extent, but let's be honest... the male race is an ungodly group of horny individuals. Any girl who is avowedly willing for sex is put on a pedestal by our gender, because only about 5 % of girls are outright DTF, whereas about 95 % of dudes are (statistic brought to you by the Jackson Dady Yakowicz Research Foundation).
From my experiences, I know that there's A LOT more than 5 % that are down, though.. The "she's-a-prude-she-will-only-give-handjobs" type mindset is mythical. It's just girls are judged 20 times more than guys are for their promiscuity. I'm not saying it SHOULD be that way, but it just is. Just like how society frowns on female masturbation, but encourages ours.
I say, if you wanna have sex, have sex. You'll often be subject to judgement, and circulating rumors from all of Apple Valley, but fuck it... literally.
-Jack
Monday, July 23, 2012
Writing Love Songs
I've been told lately that I've written a lot of "love songs," and I just wanted to address a few things.
One, I've never actually been in love. I've loved friends, I've loved family, and I've loved exes. But I have never felt the sort of attraction/infatuation in a girl as though I couldn't bare my life without her; nobody has ever really been that irreplaceable to me. So the term "LOVE song" is hardly applicable to some of the shit you've heard from me; I mean, just listen to "love actually" haha.
Two, as gay as it may sound, that's what people want to hear. I don't think people can relate to any conflict in music material better than to the chase/release of a member of the opposite gender. Love, as a concept, is the ONLY reason that R & B even exists as a genre. It's the reason Frank Ocean has such a wide fanbase, and the reason that I used to only play country songs when I had my girl in the car. It's the preferred music of most in the summer time, and it's the most widely quoted concept, lyrically, on Twitter.
Three, I have never really constructed a song (except for on this next tape, in which you haven't yet heard) that was aimed towards pleasing a girl I liked. I've either written pieces out of bitterness towards an ex, or describing a feeling I used to feel and how I've moved past it. In other words, I don't write a song as a means of getting pussy; I write them in an attempt to make music/projects more relatable to an audience.
I'm not Shakespeare... dick
-Jack
One, I've never actually been in love. I've loved friends, I've loved family, and I've loved exes. But I have never felt the sort of attraction/infatuation in a girl as though I couldn't bare my life without her; nobody has ever really been that irreplaceable to me. So the term "LOVE song" is hardly applicable to some of the shit you've heard from me; I mean, just listen to "love actually" haha.
Two, as gay as it may sound, that's what people want to hear. I don't think people can relate to any conflict in music material better than to the chase/release of a member of the opposite gender. Love, as a concept, is the ONLY reason that R & B even exists as a genre. It's the reason Frank Ocean has such a wide fanbase, and the reason that I used to only play country songs when I had my girl in the car. It's the preferred music of most in the summer time, and it's the most widely quoted concept, lyrically, on Twitter.
Three, I have never really constructed a song (except for on this next tape, in which you haven't yet heard) that was aimed towards pleasing a girl I liked. I've either written pieces out of bitterness towards an ex, or describing a feeling I used to feel and how I've moved past it. In other words, I don't write a song as a means of getting pussy; I write them in an attempt to make music/projects more relatable to an audience.
I'm not Shakespeare... dick
-Jack
Sunday, July 22, 2012
Sunday Night in October
For the sake of my peace, and the curiosity of those who don't know me too well, I'm going to re-etch one of my least favorite memories from this past year.
It was a Sunday night on the last weekend of October. Starting out the evening in the same fashion I always did on Sundays, me and a couple of my friends were watching some TV on my futon and eating popcorn out of those microwavable bowls. The two friends I was with both had some homework, or various other bullshit things to tend to, so it ended up just being me. I was listening to "Pyrite" by Frank Ocean at my desk, and started to feel a repressed sensation I hadn't known for a while; a certain sadness that seemed inexplicable and unprovoked. I didn't want to be in my dorm any longer (lucky for me, I had a car this year at school) and so I grabbed my keys and headed out towards my Jetta. I was sitting in the parking lot, trying to define this outer-worldly feeling to myself to help grasp some plausible cure to it. I called my ex. She tried to briefly console me, but it was a dead end. I called my best friend. He sympathized with me, but didn't know what kind of guidance to provide. I called my parents. I started crying, and didn't know why. My mom could hardly bare to hear it; it was something she hadn't heard or seen since I was about seven years old. I told her I hated college, I told her I missed home, I told her I needed to see a doctor, I told her a bunch of things that I didn't know and didn't believe. My mom didn't know what to do; it was the first time in my life that my parents didn't know what to do and didn't know what to tell me. It was a feeling of independence I wasn't prepared for. I hung up the phone and started driving. I didn't turn the radio on, didn't freestyle over instrumentals from my iPod, didn't send occasional texts; just sat and drove. I made my way across the 8th street bridge which runs perpendicular to i-94 (my route home from school). I kept driving until I was out of Moorhead's city limits; until i was out of it's neighboring city's limits. I found a desolate dirt road that weaved through an old, already harvested cornfield. I peeled off of 8th street and put my car in park. There was a vast line of tower-high lightpoles that blinked on and off on my left side. I spent a couple minutes staring at them, quickly grasping the blinking pattern. I started to think about my past; the friendships/relationships that ended, and the phases of my childhood I wouldn't be able to re-live. I was convinced that I deserved more years of youth, more errors to make, more successes to seek. I sat out on the road for a couple hours; following the worst sensation of my life, this setting was complete bliss. I thought about how I could just live out here for a couple days; nobody would notice I was hiding in the cornfield. I didn't want to go back to campus, but I went. I got out of my car once I re-entered the dorm's parking lot. I headed back up to my room, which was still vacant. I wrote my first verse to "Social Network." I laid in my bed, and fell asleep almost immediately. When I woke up, I was happy again. I felt as though I had something to prove to my weaker-self from a day ago. I was motivated, I was driven. I promised to myself I would never feel as lowly as I did that Sunday evening in late October; and I haven't.
For a while, I thought that my episode that night was an early indication of some form of depression. The illness ran in my family (like it does it many others), and I was worried that I might develop it. I didn't. I've battled through anxiety for a good portion of my life. I get overly-worried about minor things, and feel occasional claustrophobia as well as sickness before huge events. College was a huge event. I have only been in college for 1/19 of my life but it has drastically changed me already. For the first time ever, I have been making decisions for myself. Not decisions which are aimed to appease my parents, not decisions which keep the happiness of my girlfriend, and not decisions that I have been pressured into by my peers. I've matured, I've become responsible, and I'm proud of myself. For a while, I've been afraid to tell anybody about my experience on that Sunday night. I've feared being called "soft," i've feared my friend's worrying about me, and I've feared my reputation being tainted. I don't give a shit anymore. I think without that cloudy day, I would never have gained appreciation for the sunny ones. I still have my bad moods from time-to-time. To my friends, thank you for persisting through them. To my family, I'm grateful for your support in my longevity. To my God, I'm sorry I haven't always trusted you.
I feel liberated, and I feel calm. I can look back at my past easily, and look towards my future readily. It's a good feeling...
-Jack
It was a Sunday night on the last weekend of October. Starting out the evening in the same fashion I always did on Sundays, me and a couple of my friends were watching some TV on my futon and eating popcorn out of those microwavable bowls. The two friends I was with both had some homework, or various other bullshit things to tend to, so it ended up just being me. I was listening to "Pyrite" by Frank Ocean at my desk, and started to feel a repressed sensation I hadn't known for a while; a certain sadness that seemed inexplicable and unprovoked. I didn't want to be in my dorm any longer (lucky for me, I had a car this year at school) and so I grabbed my keys and headed out towards my Jetta. I was sitting in the parking lot, trying to define this outer-worldly feeling to myself to help grasp some plausible cure to it. I called my ex. She tried to briefly console me, but it was a dead end. I called my best friend. He sympathized with me, but didn't know what kind of guidance to provide. I called my parents. I started crying, and didn't know why. My mom could hardly bare to hear it; it was something she hadn't heard or seen since I was about seven years old. I told her I hated college, I told her I missed home, I told her I needed to see a doctor, I told her a bunch of things that I didn't know and didn't believe. My mom didn't know what to do; it was the first time in my life that my parents didn't know what to do and didn't know what to tell me. It was a feeling of independence I wasn't prepared for. I hung up the phone and started driving. I didn't turn the radio on, didn't freestyle over instrumentals from my iPod, didn't send occasional texts; just sat and drove. I made my way across the 8th street bridge which runs perpendicular to i-94 (my route home from school). I kept driving until I was out of Moorhead's city limits; until i was out of it's neighboring city's limits. I found a desolate dirt road that weaved through an old, already harvested cornfield. I peeled off of 8th street and put my car in park. There was a vast line of tower-high lightpoles that blinked on and off on my left side. I spent a couple minutes staring at them, quickly grasping the blinking pattern. I started to think about my past; the friendships/relationships that ended, and the phases of my childhood I wouldn't be able to re-live. I was convinced that I deserved more years of youth, more errors to make, more successes to seek. I sat out on the road for a couple hours; following the worst sensation of my life, this setting was complete bliss. I thought about how I could just live out here for a couple days; nobody would notice I was hiding in the cornfield. I didn't want to go back to campus, but I went. I got out of my car once I re-entered the dorm's parking lot. I headed back up to my room, which was still vacant. I wrote my first verse to "Social Network." I laid in my bed, and fell asleep almost immediately. When I woke up, I was happy again. I felt as though I had something to prove to my weaker-self from a day ago. I was motivated, I was driven. I promised to myself I would never feel as lowly as I did that Sunday evening in late October; and I haven't.
For a while, I thought that my episode that night was an early indication of some form of depression. The illness ran in my family (like it does it many others), and I was worried that I might develop it. I didn't. I've battled through anxiety for a good portion of my life. I get overly-worried about minor things, and feel occasional claustrophobia as well as sickness before huge events. College was a huge event. I have only been in college for 1/19 of my life but it has drastically changed me already. For the first time ever, I have been making decisions for myself. Not decisions which are aimed to appease my parents, not decisions which keep the happiness of my girlfriend, and not decisions that I have been pressured into by my peers. I've matured, I've become responsible, and I'm proud of myself. For a while, I've been afraid to tell anybody about my experience on that Sunday night. I've feared being called "soft," i've feared my friend's worrying about me, and I've feared my reputation being tainted. I don't give a shit anymore. I think without that cloudy day, I would never have gained appreciation for the sunny ones. I still have my bad moods from time-to-time. To my friends, thank you for persisting through them. To my family, I'm grateful for your support in my longevity. To my God, I'm sorry I haven't always trusted you.
I feel liberated, and I feel calm. I can look back at my past easily, and look towards my future readily. It's a good feeling...
-Jack
Thursday, July 19, 2012
My Top 25 Albums/Mixtapes of all Time
First off, these are not what I am calling the BEST albums of all time. Just my favorites, and the type of music that has some sort of emotional significance in my life. These are the albums in which I revert to when I can't think of anything else to listen to. This is the music that for the most part has shaped my life
25. A.W.O.L- AZ (best song: So Sincere)
24. Take Care- Drake (best song: Over My Dead Body)
23. House of Balloons- The Weeknd (best song: The Morning)
22. K.R.I.T. Wuz Here- Big K.R.I.T. (best song: No Wheaties)
21. The Vs. EP- Macklemore & Ryan Lewis (best song: Otherside)
20. Enter the Wu-Tang/36 Chambers- Wu-Tang Clan (best song: C.R.E.A.M.)
19. Control System- Ab Soul (best song: Book of Soul)
18. Bastard- Tyler, the Creator (best song: Blow)
17. Channel Orange- Frank Ocean (best song: Pyramids)
16. T.S.O.L- Shad (best song: Rose Garden)
15. Kendrick Lamar EP- Kendrick Lamar (best song: Is It Love)
14. Black Star- Mos Def & Talib Kweli (best song: Respiration)
13. Minstrel Show- Little Brother (best song: Slow it Down)
12. Pilot Talk- Curren$y (best song: Breakfast)
11. Earl- Earl Sweatshirt (best song: Couch)
10. Lost Tapes- Nas (best song: Purple)
09. O.verly D.edicated- Kendrick Lamar (best song: The Heart pt. 2)
08. Give Me My Flowers While I Can Smell Them- Blu & Exile (best song: More Out of Life)
07. Warm Up- J Cole (best song: I Get Up)
06. nostalgia, ULTRA- Frank Ocean (best song: We All Try)
05. The Cool- Lupe (best song: Hip Hop Saved My Life)
04. Illmatic- Nas (best song: The World is Yours)
03. It Was Written- Nas (best song: The Message)
02. Food & Liquor- Lupe Fiasco (best song: Hurt Me Soul)
01. Below the Heavens- Blu & Exile (best song: The World Is...)
19 by Adele also deserves a mention...
25. A.W.O.L- AZ (best song: So Sincere)
24. Take Care- Drake (best song: Over My Dead Body)
23. House of Balloons- The Weeknd (best song: The Morning)
22. K.R.I.T. Wuz Here- Big K.R.I.T. (best song: No Wheaties)
21. The Vs. EP- Macklemore & Ryan Lewis (best song: Otherside)
20. Enter the Wu-Tang/36 Chambers- Wu-Tang Clan (best song: C.R.E.A.M.)
19. Control System- Ab Soul (best song: Book of Soul)
18. Bastard- Tyler, the Creator (best song: Blow)
17. Channel Orange- Frank Ocean (best song: Pyramids)
16. T.S.O.L- Shad (best song: Rose Garden)
15. Kendrick Lamar EP- Kendrick Lamar (best song: Is It Love)
14. Black Star- Mos Def & Talib Kweli (best song: Respiration)
13. Minstrel Show- Little Brother (best song: Slow it Down)
12. Pilot Talk- Curren$y (best song: Breakfast)
11. Earl- Earl Sweatshirt (best song: Couch)
10. Lost Tapes- Nas (best song: Purple)
09. O.verly D.edicated- Kendrick Lamar (best song: The Heart pt. 2)
08. Give Me My Flowers While I Can Smell Them- Blu & Exile (best song: More Out of Life)
07. Warm Up- J Cole (best song: I Get Up)
06. nostalgia, ULTRA- Frank Ocean (best song: We All Try)
05. The Cool- Lupe (best song: Hip Hop Saved My Life)
04. Illmatic- Nas (best song: The World is Yours)
03. It Was Written- Nas (best song: The Message)
02. Food & Liquor- Lupe Fiasco (best song: Hurt Me Soul)
01. Below the Heavens- Blu & Exile (best song: The World Is...)
19 by Adele also deserves a mention...
Tuesday, July 17, 2012
Channel Orange Review
I, as well as probably every other Frank Ocean stan, have listened to nothing but "Channel Orange" since it's iTunes release a little over a week ago [btw, go buy the actual album in stores today. support good music]. I've been a huge Frank fan ever since finding "Nostalgia, Ultra" a year back and then downloading his "Lonny Breaux Collection" mixtape off of Datpiff. If you're looking for the same Frank as you had in Nostalgia, you may be disappointed. There are virtually no parallels between the two albums and it's hard to imagine that they even came from the same artists; Not intending to take away from the sincerity behind songs on Nostalgia, but it's extremely evident after a couple listens through how much more personally meaningful Frank's lyrics are on Channel Orange. Channel Orange tells the story of his teen years and first love. It's a great summer album with lyricism that embodies enough ambiguity to keep listener's attention even the 1,000th time through the project. I loved Nostalgia, Ultra (it's probably one of my top 5 albums of all time), but Channel Orange is a historic piece with more analogous stories and vivid lyricism than I've ever grasped from an album.
My rating: 9/10.
Here's my ratings of each song:
1) "Start" 9/10. Some introductions to mixtapes/albums are really not even introductions, just a jump in to a decent headlining track. Don't get this confused; "Start" is the posterchild for introductions. It's an audible picture of Frank's days as a kid. He is laughing with his friends, and then seems to just be alone by himself as he starts up his PS1. I think this intro did a great job of representing the setting (playstation 1 is fucking ancient), and the mood to the album.
2) "Thinking Bout You" 10/10. To be honest, when I saw this track that released over a year ago was gonna be on his album I was a little bummed. I expected all new songs for me to interpret, not one to which i already knew all the lyrics like the back of my hand. But, I was wrong. The re-mastered version of this track (and the significance of it after reading his note about his first love) added new dimensions to the track, and a greater appreciation for it. The monotonous delivery during his verses contrasted with his unmatched falsetto in the chorus made for a great song, one that even my mom bobs her head to in the car.
3) "Fertilizer" 8/10. This interlude was funny. But I wish it was a full track. It's got a cool like 1960's, The Chordettes-type sound. I also love the line "Fertilizer, i'll take bull shit if that's all you got". Another good metaphor by the kid Frank. However, it seemed oddly pointless and shouldn't have been the third track on the tape.
4) "Sierra Leone" 8/10. This track is extremely chill, and I love the wordplay at the beginning of the track when Frank is seeming to talk through his split-conscience with the "I just ran out of Trojans" followed by "Horses gallop to her throne". I think this song has some levels of creative genius behind it that I haven't yet found out but it still makes for a good track to listen to, with a lulling chorus.
5) "Sweet Life" 9/10. When this song for released as a single, I wasn't crazy about it. However, as i continued to listen to it I grew more and more entranced by the Pharrell-produced beat and the smooth Frank delivery. It tells the story of a [girl/guy/tranny/idk] who has everything she needs, but continues to search for more, and Frank's frustration with that person. My favorite line and the summary of the song is "Why see the world when you've got the beach?"
6) "Not Just Money" 6/10. pretty stupid interlude.. it seemed pointless and idk the movie it came from. but, it WAS just an interlude so no reason to get too down about it in my rating. it's something that's only 1 minute long so there's no real point in skipping
7) "Super Rich Kids" 9/10. I couldn't help but feel this track was dedicated to Odd Future in general haha. It's the story of wealthy children, and their ever-so-prevailing struggles with life. I think it's cool that Frank acknowledges the upper class woes because it's something you never really hear about. It's easy to talk about the issues that coincide with poverty, but hearing it from a new perspective was also refreshing. Earl's verse is pretty dope too
8) "Pilot Jones" 8/10. Seemingly the song of Frank's infatuation with a fucked up girl, this piece is cool on a couple of levels; one, it adds softness to something rigid and two, i didn't know what a "pilot jones" was lol. I love the symbolism of "you took me high, then you took me home" relating love,drugs, and air travel all into one pool together. I wasn't crazy about the beat.
9) "Crack Rock" 8/10. One of my favorite beats off of the tape. I really like the analogies of the glass home and the crack rock breaking that home. Me, having ZERO experience with hard drugs can't really relate to it all that much though, and i get the vibe that Frank doesn't really relate to it all that much either. It seemed like a bit of a filler song, but it's also one of my favorites to listen to. Weird paradox i know..
10) "Pyramids" 10/10. Both halves of this song are flawless (but I'm a little partial to the second half especially!). This track is super cool and totally negates any thoughts that FRank is flat out gay haha. It tells the story of a woman that Frank loves and used to be able to please very easily, but now he has to work extremely hard for and the love that they make seems fake ("You say its big but you take it.."). I love the beat, the mixing, the lyricism, the metaphor, everything. flawless
11) "Lost" 10/10. This is my favorite song on the album. I'm not saying it's the best, but it's my favorite. Tremendous beat, catchy chorus, and awesome story. There's not any mixed-in ambiguity really with this one, it's just a straight up catchy-ass song which is probably the most radio-ready on the album. It sounds like a 90's rock song, especially with the "luo-luo-looooost" at the end of the song. I could bump this on repeat for a whole day and never tire of it. great
12) "White" 7/10. chill break from the rest of the album, with a smooth guitar solo from John Mayer. Just the fact that he got John Mayer for the track is pretty cool to me, but i love the version of "White" that actually had Frank's singing off of the Odd Future tape. When the tracklist released i was hoping for an extended version of that song, but still the wordless interlude is refreshing.
13) "Monks" 8/10. I love the story in this song as well, relating crazy party moshers at concerts to those monks moshing for peace and freedom. It shows the consistencies throughout the human body and how we all are fighting for something. I am not personally crazy about the beat, but love the chorus. Juxtapose... but it's a really good listen if you listen for lyrics.
14) "Bad Religion" 10/10. This is that raw Frank emotion that is uncanny. I love the setting, with Frank in the back of a Taxi Cab venting to his driver. This song is pretty obviously about his hard times dealing with his first love being a man, not a woman, and how the public would take it. It also talks about how hard it is to love someone whom you know you shouldn't love, and whom can't love you back. What makes this song for me is how much emphasis Frank puts on his words in his delivery, and the allusion to Romeo and Juliet with the cyanide in my styrofoam cup. I loved the performance of this track on Fallon's late night and think it's one of my favorites off the album.
15) "Pink Matter" 10/10. Another classic. The beat starts out extremely mellow, as does Frank's approach to it. The visuals behind this song would be awesome to see and i really hope for a video, because it progresses in intensity throughout. I love the subject matter, and of course Andre 3k kills it with the future. Great track and it's been on repeat for a while now!
16) "Forrest Gump" 6/10. It's catchy, i'll give it that. But i don't think any male Frank fan will listen through this track entirely. He's talking about dude that's been on his mind and is buff and strong and shit like that that i just don't really care to hear about. I'm fine with Frank's sexuality, and the least bit homophobic, but it's just not something i'd choose to listen to.
17) "End" 10/10. great close
My rating: 9/10.
Here's my ratings of each song:
1) "Start" 9/10. Some introductions to mixtapes/albums are really not even introductions, just a jump in to a decent headlining track. Don't get this confused; "Start" is the posterchild for introductions. It's an audible picture of Frank's days as a kid. He is laughing with his friends, and then seems to just be alone by himself as he starts up his PS1. I think this intro did a great job of representing the setting (playstation 1 is fucking ancient), and the mood to the album.
2) "Thinking Bout You" 10/10. To be honest, when I saw this track that released over a year ago was gonna be on his album I was a little bummed. I expected all new songs for me to interpret, not one to which i already knew all the lyrics like the back of my hand. But, I was wrong. The re-mastered version of this track (and the significance of it after reading his note about his first love) added new dimensions to the track, and a greater appreciation for it. The monotonous delivery during his verses contrasted with his unmatched falsetto in the chorus made for a great song, one that even my mom bobs her head to in the car.
3) "Fertilizer" 8/10. This interlude was funny. But I wish it was a full track. It's got a cool like 1960's, The Chordettes-type sound. I also love the line "Fertilizer, i'll take bull shit if that's all you got". Another good metaphor by the kid Frank. However, it seemed oddly pointless and shouldn't have been the third track on the tape.
4) "Sierra Leone" 8/10. This track is extremely chill, and I love the wordplay at the beginning of the track when Frank is seeming to talk through his split-conscience with the "I just ran out of Trojans" followed by "Horses gallop to her throne". I think this song has some levels of creative genius behind it that I haven't yet found out but it still makes for a good track to listen to, with a lulling chorus.
5) "Sweet Life" 9/10. When this song for released as a single, I wasn't crazy about it. However, as i continued to listen to it I grew more and more entranced by the Pharrell-produced beat and the smooth Frank delivery. It tells the story of a [girl/guy/tranny/idk] who has everything she needs, but continues to search for more, and Frank's frustration with that person. My favorite line and the summary of the song is "Why see the world when you've got the beach?"
6) "Not Just Money" 6/10. pretty stupid interlude.. it seemed pointless and idk the movie it came from. but, it WAS just an interlude so no reason to get too down about it in my rating. it's something that's only 1 minute long so there's no real point in skipping
7) "Super Rich Kids" 9/10. I couldn't help but feel this track was dedicated to Odd Future in general haha. It's the story of wealthy children, and their ever-so-prevailing struggles with life. I think it's cool that Frank acknowledges the upper class woes because it's something you never really hear about. It's easy to talk about the issues that coincide with poverty, but hearing it from a new perspective was also refreshing. Earl's verse is pretty dope too
8) "Pilot Jones" 8/10. Seemingly the song of Frank's infatuation with a fucked up girl, this piece is cool on a couple of levels; one, it adds softness to something rigid and two, i didn't know what a "pilot jones" was lol. I love the symbolism of "you took me high, then you took me home" relating love,drugs, and air travel all into one pool together. I wasn't crazy about the beat.
9) "Crack Rock" 8/10. One of my favorite beats off of the tape. I really like the analogies of the glass home and the crack rock breaking that home. Me, having ZERO experience with hard drugs can't really relate to it all that much though, and i get the vibe that Frank doesn't really relate to it all that much either. It seemed like a bit of a filler song, but it's also one of my favorites to listen to. Weird paradox i know..
10) "Pyramids" 10/10. Both halves of this song are flawless (but I'm a little partial to the second half especially!). This track is super cool and totally negates any thoughts that FRank is flat out gay haha. It tells the story of a woman that Frank loves and used to be able to please very easily, but now he has to work extremely hard for and the love that they make seems fake ("You say its big but you take it.."). I love the beat, the mixing, the lyricism, the metaphor, everything. flawless
11) "Lost" 10/10. This is my favorite song on the album. I'm not saying it's the best, but it's my favorite. Tremendous beat, catchy chorus, and awesome story. There's not any mixed-in ambiguity really with this one, it's just a straight up catchy-ass song which is probably the most radio-ready on the album. It sounds like a 90's rock song, especially with the "luo-luo-looooost" at the end of the song. I could bump this on repeat for a whole day and never tire of it. great
12) "White" 7/10. chill break from the rest of the album, with a smooth guitar solo from John Mayer. Just the fact that he got John Mayer for the track is pretty cool to me, but i love the version of "White" that actually had Frank's singing off of the Odd Future tape. When the tracklist released i was hoping for an extended version of that song, but still the wordless interlude is refreshing.
13) "Monks" 8/10. I love the story in this song as well, relating crazy party moshers at concerts to those monks moshing for peace and freedom. It shows the consistencies throughout the human body and how we all are fighting for something. I am not personally crazy about the beat, but love the chorus. Juxtapose... but it's a really good listen if you listen for lyrics.
14) "Bad Religion" 10/10. This is that raw Frank emotion that is uncanny. I love the setting, with Frank in the back of a Taxi Cab venting to his driver. This song is pretty obviously about his hard times dealing with his first love being a man, not a woman, and how the public would take it. It also talks about how hard it is to love someone whom you know you shouldn't love, and whom can't love you back. What makes this song for me is how much emphasis Frank puts on his words in his delivery, and the allusion to Romeo and Juliet with the cyanide in my styrofoam cup. I loved the performance of this track on Fallon's late night and think it's one of my favorites off the album.
15) "Pink Matter" 10/10. Another classic. The beat starts out extremely mellow, as does Frank's approach to it. The visuals behind this song would be awesome to see and i really hope for a video, because it progresses in intensity throughout. I love the subject matter, and of course Andre 3k kills it with the future. Great track and it's been on repeat for a while now!
16) "Forrest Gump" 6/10. It's catchy, i'll give it that. But i don't think any male Frank fan will listen through this track entirely. He's talking about dude that's been on his mind and is buff and strong and shit like that that i just don't really care to hear about. I'm fine with Frank's sexuality, and the least bit homophobic, but it's just not something i'd choose to listen to.
17) "End" 10/10. great close
Thursday, July 5, 2012
Target lessons
So, if you follow me on Twitter and/or hit up Eagan Target frequently then you know that I work there a lot... With that reality, there are a lot of positives and negatives. Negative: I miss out on a lot of shit, Positive: I get a lot of frequent customers that come through my lane who I build a somewhat relationship with. I've got a set of old ladies who always come through my lane when I'm working the morning shifts and buy Yogurt Parfaits. They then proceed to ask me to take the lid off the parfait---old women will never learn. One of my favorite regulars is this 50 year old dude i call "Coupon Man."
He earned the name after I was first introduced to him about a year back. He came through my line with 400 dollars worth of shit. He left my line only spending 160 dollars. Fairly impressive, eh? Coupon Man is that dude.... or so I thought.
He's always been super nice to me. Like, one of those old men that continue to call younger teenagers "Man" or "Dude" to help them feel like they're still in the same age bracket (We all have an uncle who is guilty of this..). While I was scanning his items, he would always tell me stories of his morning runs or of the parties that he throws at his cabin. He even invited me to go up to his cabin sometime (which in hindsight is a creepy request from a 50 year old man), but he was just that nice of a guy.
Tonight, he came through my line with 20 12-packs of Coke. We have a sale going on where each 12 pack of coke products are only $2.50, so I don't blame the dude for trying to save a couple bucks and load up on those pops (and he most definitely had a couple coupons to cut the cost even more). However, my manager, who was nearby, spotted what Coupon Man was doing and she told him that he can only buy 6 packs of pop with that current sale. Coupon Man (i'm gonna call him CM from now on) was pissed.
"Well where the hell did it say that?! I didn't see that shit written anywhere. You know what, screw it! You take it back then lady! I can't believe this!!"
When my manager (who is actually a fairly nice woman, herself) proceeded to return his pops to the back of the store where they came from, CM continued to bad-mouth her to me.
"Can you believe they give women like her power?! No brains, but has a badge! Am I right, Jack man?"
-___- (my first ever stale face emoticon. dope)
I was super caught off guard. This is the same guy that invited me to his cabin and told me that I probably have the women flocking over me.
Lesson of the night: You can never truly judge somebody until you see how they react to something NOT going their way.
Think about it.
-Jack
He earned the name after I was first introduced to him about a year back. He came through my line with 400 dollars worth of shit. He left my line only spending 160 dollars. Fairly impressive, eh? Coupon Man is that dude.... or so I thought.
He's always been super nice to me. Like, one of those old men that continue to call younger teenagers "Man" or "Dude" to help them feel like they're still in the same age bracket (We all have an uncle who is guilty of this..). While I was scanning his items, he would always tell me stories of his morning runs or of the parties that he throws at his cabin. He even invited me to go up to his cabin sometime (which in hindsight is a creepy request from a 50 year old man), but he was just that nice of a guy.
Tonight, he came through my line with 20 12-packs of Coke. We have a sale going on where each 12 pack of coke products are only $2.50, so I don't blame the dude for trying to save a couple bucks and load up on those pops (and he most definitely had a couple coupons to cut the cost even more). However, my manager, who was nearby, spotted what Coupon Man was doing and she told him that he can only buy 6 packs of pop with that current sale. Coupon Man (i'm gonna call him CM from now on) was pissed.
"Well where the hell did it say that?! I didn't see that shit written anywhere. You know what, screw it! You take it back then lady! I can't believe this!!"
When my manager (who is actually a fairly nice woman, herself) proceeded to return his pops to the back of the store where they came from, CM continued to bad-mouth her to me.
"Can you believe they give women like her power?! No brains, but has a badge! Am I right, Jack man?"
-___- (my first ever stale face emoticon. dope)
I was super caught off guard. This is the same guy that invited me to his cabin and told me that I probably have the women flocking over me.
Lesson of the night: You can never truly judge somebody until you see how they react to something NOT going their way.
Think about it.
-Jack
Wednesday, July 4, 2012
Mary
My return to Apple Valley marked a return to repressed memories and forgotten habits. As of late, I've been asked a lot "why don't you smoke anymore," and the answer is something that isn't easily described through impromptu conversation. Even a thoroughly-outlines, pinnately-detailed manuscript couldn't really hint at my answer to that question. One thing you need to know, though, is that I have an addictive personality---it's the same reason that I lost my whole college fund to the casino last summer, and it's the same reason that I have found baffling attraction towards women I haven't even dated. That addictive personality makes even a (supposedly) nonaddictive drug very seductive to a kid of my genetic-makeup. Weed wasn't too much of a gateway drug for me, I experimented with the casual adderall and pain-killers, but never anything too terrible.
Mary and I had an interesting relationship... the first time I smoked coincided with the first time I showed anybody my raps. It was the summer after sophomore year, and my parents were out of town. Two of my friends made a water bottle bong and we blew the smoke out of my bedroom window. I didn't get high. The first time I did get high was about three months later, with the same two kids. We were driving to a Halloween Party when it first hit me, and it was a sensation that I don't think anybody could accurately describe. I said my most famous line ever, which has made me the butt of numerous jokes over the years; "Guys... I can't function."
I started smoking more and more as the months rolled by, and gradually my tolerance for weed built as my funds for weed diminished. The summer after senior year was the climax of my time smoking; our camping trip marked the climax of that climax. I was perpetually high for about 72 hours; shit was weird. Driving home from that trip is when I realized that the relationship between Mary and I was becoming strained.
As I got to college, about three weeks after the camping trip, the smoking shit really died down for me. I didn't think about it, because I wasn't surrounded by it. I smoked here and there (maybe once a week) over First Semester. When winter break came by, that's when things got really weird. Keep in mind, I was going through a rough patch emotionally which probably helped parent the weirdness brought about by the drug too. Through about a three week stretch in mid December to early January, I was introduced to this faux world created by weed.
I know it sounds crazy to you guys, especially the true potheads that are basically unfazed and immune to effects of weed. The best way to describe what I went through was like Inception; there were two worlds: one was the high world, one was the sober world. When i got high, I stopped caring about what happened in what i believed to be the separate universe. I acted weird towards my family, distanced myself from friends, changed a lot. I became super introverted. The raps that I wrote were some of my best stuff; I wrote "Social Network" while exasperatingly high. But, everything was slow. Time stopped existing, motivation stopped breeding, and my concerns in life stopped seeming concerning. I was a different person; a person that I don't want to revisit, and a person that I'm glad I left in the past.
So, that's why I don't smoke anymore. It's not because I think I'm better than that, its not because I don't have enough money to afford it, and it's definitely not for music reasons. I'm just not that person
-Jack
America
In all honesty, I'm not that patriotic of a person. I've spent innumerable hours delving into the possibility that our government is corrupt. I'm cynical towards every politician I see on the TV, and doubtful towards every campaign promise. I think the media has a chokehold on our liberty of exposure to wars and malice committed by our country. I think the army has taken part in many atrocities that have gone undocumented, and our history (which many already perceive as scathed) has more blemishes than any of us our aware of.
But, the 4th of July isn't a celebration of the government (despite every governmental position getting a day off, and me having to work a fucking 8 hour shift at Target). Yes, I know local government officials utilize this day to pass out stickers as propaganda at parades and brainwash the fountain of youth. But nah... keep the government out of your concerns today.
Today is a day to chill with other Americans, pursuing the same dreams as we do. It's a day to look back at the revolution we started, the freedom we conquered, and the futures we're offered. As skeptical as I am towards this country, I couldn't have imagined growing up elsewhere. In the words of Ron Swanson, "the whole point of this country is if you wanna eat garbage, balloon up to 600 pounds and die of a heart attack at 43, you can. You are free to do so. To me, that's beautiful."
Happy 4th
-Jack
But, the 4th of July isn't a celebration of the government (despite every governmental position getting a day off, and me having to work a fucking 8 hour shift at Target). Yes, I know local government officials utilize this day to pass out stickers as propaganda at parades and brainwash the fountain of youth. But nah... keep the government out of your concerns today.
Today is a day to chill with other Americans, pursuing the same dreams as we do. It's a day to look back at the revolution we started, the freedom we conquered, and the futures we're offered. As skeptical as I am towards this country, I couldn't have imagined growing up elsewhere. In the words of Ron Swanson, "the whole point of this country is if you wanna eat garbage, balloon up to 600 pounds and die of a heart attack at 43, you can. You are free to do so. To me, that's beautiful."
Happy 4th
-Jack
Thursday, June 28, 2012
Decisiveness
As the days pass by, the end of summer becomes more and more imminent. I'm happy for that; I think Fargo/Moorhead provides me with a lot more potential for growth than home does. When I was stuck at my register cashiering tonight, I started to think a little bit. I started to think about what I wanted from life, which is a hard concept for an indecisive kid who is considered a Junior in college, yet whose major is still up in the air. I KNOW what I want, but I also know that it will hinder my options in other aspects of my life. Personally, I love entertaining. Music is awesome, and it gives me this rush that no other areas of my existence can facilitate. I also want to start looking for some Amateur Nights at comedy houses and opportunities to get involved in acting (but NO musicals. that shit is the devil). The problem with those kind of fields is that the money is inconsistent, and it's capacity for a family life is unsure. I want a wife and kid and shit later in life, and don't want to sacrifice that plausibility. But here's the thing:
I feel like every adult out there has some sort of pipe dream that they never accomplished. Every dad has some rock band that never made it big, and every mom has some cheerleading career that got stunted due to injury. I don't wanna be like that. I don't ever want to look back and think "god, i wish i could relive those days." I want to be able to say either: a) i DID live those days, and don't want them anymore, or b) i had the opportunity to live those days, and chose a separate route, and I'm happy i did so. I'm a firm believer in the possibility of doing anything I want to with life. It doesn't come down to whether or not you were dealt the right cards, it comes down to how hard you can strive and persevere through adversity to change the momentum of the table.
The problem is time is finite. No matter how long a day may seem (tonight at Target was FUCKING long), time will always end. The end will always come. My cum will find your face. lol *it was funnier in my head* But really, you have to end up making choices. You have to come to an understanding that you don't have forever to decide; but never settle. Same goes to you hot girls out there with dudes that are going nowhere. Don't settle.
Bringing back the song of the day thing.....
"Get No Better"- Clear Soul Forces
alright, night folks
-Jack
I feel like every adult out there has some sort of pipe dream that they never accomplished. Every dad has some rock band that never made it big, and every mom has some cheerleading career that got stunted due to injury. I don't wanna be like that. I don't ever want to look back and think "god, i wish i could relive those days." I want to be able to say either: a) i DID live those days, and don't want them anymore, or b) i had the opportunity to live those days, and chose a separate route, and I'm happy i did so. I'm a firm believer in the possibility of doing anything I want to with life. It doesn't come down to whether or not you were dealt the right cards, it comes down to how hard you can strive and persevere through adversity to change the momentum of the table.
The problem is time is finite. No matter how long a day may seem (tonight at Target was FUCKING long), time will always end. The end will always come. My cum will find your face. lol *it was funnier in my head* But really, you have to end up making choices. You have to come to an understanding that you don't have forever to decide; but never settle. Same goes to you hot girls out there with dudes that are going nowhere. Don't settle.
Bringing back the song of the day thing.....
"Get No Better"- Clear Soul Forces
alright, night folks
-Jack
Saturday, June 23, 2012
Advice on taking advice, and some other shit
Yesterday, somebody told me "Jack, you always seem like you have your shit figured out."
I ignored my initial reaction of scoffing and saying "the fuck?", and instead decided to decipher how exactly someone could believe something so UNTRUE about me. I think it's this:
The people that act like they have all their shit figured out, are generally the ones that have absolutely no clue; and, vice versa. People could misconstrue me by what they see online; they see an articulate enough guy who seems relatively wise through the advice that he gives. The truth is though, I don't follow all of the advice that I give... every human mind is subject to inferiority by multiple components that interfere with one's better judgement (i.e. love, substance, peer pressure, and one's penis). I've had my share of mishaps and trauma in my life, and have many skeletons in my closet that I fail to bring to the surface with an average acquaintance. Even my best friends rarely know what's plaguing my mind when I tweet suggestive things on Twitter. There are certain personality types that don't like to expose their weaknesses, and sadly--yet self-admittedly-- i fall under that category. Self-conscious folks have to master the control of their mannerisms in order to outlast the urges of their inner insecurities and uncertainties. It's just the way shit works...
And then there's other people that outwardly express how screwed-up their life is, because they are blind to the qualities and potential they possess. Those are the advice-seekers. The fact is though, nobody can really advise you better than yourself. Who knows YOU better than YOU?! God maybe.. that's it. You've dealt with every up and down in your life, even the ones that you've left untold and hidden. So, remarkably no advice is more fitting to your adaptation than your own. I think everyone needs to strive to be a little less dependent..
TOTALLY UNRELATED TOPIC:
Isn't it weird how certain sensory details (sounds, scents, etc.) can bring back weird memories? I was on my iPod today, and shuffled to the song "The End" by Macklemore and Ryan Lewis. I was immediately taken back to last August, when i first heard the song and played it on repeat on my way back from the Casino. I had recently dealt with the death of my cousin, a fairly rough break up, and the anxieties of heading away from home for college. I also lost 200 dollars that night... I think that was the all-time low of my life thus far, and the song kind of coincided with that feeling. However, today i just kind of smiled while it started playing during my workout. I've made it so far in a 10 month span, and I'm genuinely proud of the person I've matured to. By the way, that song is crazy chill and I'd definitely suggest it for those who haven't heard...
Alright, bye
-Jack
I ignored my initial reaction of scoffing and saying "the fuck?", and instead decided to decipher how exactly someone could believe something so UNTRUE about me. I think it's this:
The people that act like they have all their shit figured out, are generally the ones that have absolutely no clue; and, vice versa. People could misconstrue me by what they see online; they see an articulate enough guy who seems relatively wise through the advice that he gives. The truth is though, I don't follow all of the advice that I give... every human mind is subject to inferiority by multiple components that interfere with one's better judgement (i.e. love, substance, peer pressure, and one's penis). I've had my share of mishaps and trauma in my life, and have many skeletons in my closet that I fail to bring to the surface with an average acquaintance. Even my best friends rarely know what's plaguing my mind when I tweet suggestive things on Twitter. There are certain personality types that don't like to expose their weaknesses, and sadly--yet self-admittedly-- i fall under that category. Self-conscious folks have to master the control of their mannerisms in order to outlast the urges of their inner insecurities and uncertainties. It's just the way shit works...
And then there's other people that outwardly express how screwed-up their life is, because they are blind to the qualities and potential they possess. Those are the advice-seekers. The fact is though, nobody can really advise you better than yourself. Who knows YOU better than YOU?! God maybe.. that's it. You've dealt with every up and down in your life, even the ones that you've left untold and hidden. So, remarkably no advice is more fitting to your adaptation than your own. I think everyone needs to strive to be a little less dependent..
TOTALLY UNRELATED TOPIC:
Isn't it weird how certain sensory details (sounds, scents, etc.) can bring back weird memories? I was on my iPod today, and shuffled to the song "The End" by Macklemore and Ryan Lewis. I was immediately taken back to last August, when i first heard the song and played it on repeat on my way back from the Casino. I had recently dealt with the death of my cousin, a fairly rough break up, and the anxieties of heading away from home for college. I also lost 200 dollars that night... I think that was the all-time low of my life thus far, and the song kind of coincided with that feeling. However, today i just kind of smiled while it started playing during my workout. I've made it so far in a 10 month span, and I'm genuinely proud of the person I've matured to. By the way, that song is crazy chill and I'd definitely suggest it for those who haven't heard...
Alright, bye
-Jack
Thursday, June 14, 2012
Change
Change is inevitable...
I think people fantasize the possibility that they're different. Others change, but I'm an anomaly. Relationships change, but we won't. That's not true...
Any absence from a place or group of people will alter your perception.
I think i've grown a lot as an individual this year, and get all-too upset when I come back home and see some of my friends on the same shit that I matured from. That's not fair of me...
I don't like coming home much anymore, though. I kind of just want to move the fuck out of Minnesota. I want to finish school and then just find my life elsewhere..
I used to be afraid of change, transition, and growth. Now i embrace it... I love meeting new people, and sometimes find myself bored with the old ones.... don't get me wrong, i love my friends. It's just hard to fathom that ALL life has to offer for me resides in the Minnesota boundaries. Think about it...
Some kids think they've found their "soulmate." It was the girl/guy they went to elementary school with...
We have only been exposed to about 1/100000000 of what the world has to offer (i made up that stat, cunt), so how can people rest assured that they've found their niche. I wanna travel the world, try new things, meet new people, find a home, find a happiness, and settle THEN.
Nobody wants a normal life, ideally, but many settle for one.
Break out of your fucking box
-Jack
Thursday, June 7, 2012
"Be Smart About It"
On innumerable occasions, I have been told "Jack, be smart about it." It's about the most common advice I receive at the Casino, and towards my love life. Here's the problem...
Being "smart" about it has become synonymous for being conservative with it. Being "smart" about it limits the potential for the unexpected, because it eradicates the relationship between risk-reward. Being "smart" about it means being safe. It means being pussy... I'm sorry.
Here's my equation for "being smart about it" : If your decision to choose the safe route exonerates the ability for a reward that is GREATER than the risk you are about to delve in to, you are NOT being smart. You are exemplifying cowardice and embracing dormancy. I hate the phrase "be smart about it," because it stands under all of the wrong principles.
So, am I actually smart? To be honest, no.
I choose the safe route far too often, which has both been a gift and a curse to me. I mean, I'm alive. But, I'm far less successful than my capability allows me to be. I'm smart in school, but not yet smart in life.
It's time to be smart about shit; it's time to take risks, and time to allow something new to come into my life.
-Jack
Wednesday, June 6, 2012
Date and Time
Weird deep thoughts tonight..
I don't understand how people so often get rattled by the truism "if something is meant to be, it will." Think about it, it is a fool-proof, somewhat cop-out of a statement for validation. If time is perceived as linear, we are currently on a certain notch of our visualized timeline right now. I'm in between my 19th and 20th notch, each notch symbolizing how many years I've "lived" (the socially-adapted definition of the world 'lived' of course). That means that the timeline is perceivable by NO mortal forces, yet can still be perceived. We just don't get to see the full timeline until we die. We can jump back notches on the timeline by visiting our memory's database. Whether we can jump forward in time is inconclusive, though... The argument to BEING able to move forward through time is the extraordinary sensation of 'deja vu.' At times we feel as though we have lived a certain moment before, and maybe we have... we'll never know how to distinguish the sensation with something like virtualization or our mind reenacting pieces of various settings and conflicts that have taken place over the length of our prior lives. But, like all you women quote on Twitter, if something is meant to happen it DOES. I work at Target. Therefore, I was meant to work there. I was meant to interact with elderly women who come through my check-out line, I was meant to bring in carts, I was even meant to clean human shit off the floor.
Think about all of the places in the world you could be living in right now...
What if your parents didn't decide to fuck on that Valentine's day, they waited until Christmas instead. You were born in a different year, and were put in a different grade level for school. You made friends with a different group, you dated a different girl, you landed a different job. It's hard to NOT believe that here is the existence of multiple other spectrums in time in which all the possible scenarios that YOU have gone through, have been altered a little bit. Every single decision you have made has put you in the place you were at. Any small decision, even to drink Orange Juice three minutes later than you did on September 10th, 2005, would change you somehow. It would change the way the Earth and it's people coexisted.
I'm happy where I'm at, but also aware of where I could be.
Sorry for the cryptic ass post.
-Jack
I don't understand how people so often get rattled by the truism "if something is meant to be, it will." Think about it, it is a fool-proof, somewhat cop-out of a statement for validation. If time is perceived as linear, we are currently on a certain notch of our visualized timeline right now. I'm in between my 19th and 20th notch, each notch symbolizing how many years I've "lived" (the socially-adapted definition of the world 'lived' of course). That means that the timeline is perceivable by NO mortal forces, yet can still be perceived. We just don't get to see the full timeline until we die. We can jump back notches on the timeline by visiting our memory's database. Whether we can jump forward in time is inconclusive, though... The argument to BEING able to move forward through time is the extraordinary sensation of 'deja vu.' At times we feel as though we have lived a certain moment before, and maybe we have... we'll never know how to distinguish the sensation with something like virtualization or our mind reenacting pieces of various settings and conflicts that have taken place over the length of our prior lives. But, like all you women quote on Twitter, if something is meant to happen it DOES. I work at Target. Therefore, I was meant to work there. I was meant to interact with elderly women who come through my check-out line, I was meant to bring in carts, I was even meant to clean human shit off the floor.
Think about all of the places in the world you could be living in right now...
What if your parents didn't decide to fuck on that Valentine's day, they waited until Christmas instead. You were born in a different year, and were put in a different grade level for school. You made friends with a different group, you dated a different girl, you landed a different job. It's hard to NOT believe that here is the existence of multiple other spectrums in time in which all the possible scenarios that YOU have gone through, have been altered a little bit. Every single decision you have made has put you in the place you were at. Any small decision, even to drink Orange Juice three minutes later than you did on September 10th, 2005, would change you somehow. It would change the way the Earth and it's people coexisted.
I'm happy where I'm at, but also aware of where I could be.
Sorry for the cryptic ass post.
-Jack
Tuesday, June 5, 2012
20 Questions
Lately I've been feeling like I'm playing a round of 20 Questions . For those that aren't familiar with the toy aisle at Target, 20 Questions is a pocket-sized electronic game in which you think of a tangible object, and the screen flashes up with 20 different questions. You answer each question with a "Yes" "No" or "Sometimes" and the game tries to guess the object you are thinking of. SPOILER ALERT: the game was not developed by the porn industry, thus does not have the answer "penis" "vagina" "clitoris" "testicles" or anything of that nature in its database (buzzkill, i know).
I don't know why, but I have become particularly irritated the last couple days by feeling like I constantly need to explain myself to random people through their (sometimes deprecatingly asked) questions. In the words of Kanye, "that's that shit i don't like." I don't consider myself a deviously secretive person at all, but the level of monotony in people's questions (even as trivial a question as "How was your first year at school?!") has begun to annoy. So... I'm gonna play a game of 20 questions with myself. Partially, so you guys will stop badgering me... partially, because I miss Formspring. These questions both include shit that i HAVE been asked the last week or so, and shit that i just made up because i needed to fill the void of the remaining questions. Here we go punks..
1. Who do i like? Nobody. Glad that's out of the way..
2. Why do i seem so angry in my tweets? Mainly because when i tweet, i don't intend to be orating to an audience. Like, if the 1,000 followers of mine were in a gymnasium and i had to give a speech, i would NOT talk about stuff like..pooping. haha, I mean i think i just forget that people actually read the shit i post, mainly i just tweet to vent. Sort of like my blog... sorry if i offend you guys with my tweets.
3. Do i still talk to my ex? Yeah, from time to time. We're civil and i still think very highly of her, she's tight!
4. Why do i want to get a tattoo? One, because I've dealt with a lot of deaths of people that are close to me this year. Two, (and less importantly), because I think they look cool. Maybe that's vain of me, but it's the truth.
5. Who are my subtweets about? Probably you, if you think it is.
6. Why do i want to quit music? It is extremely tiresome and is giving me a bad persona. People think i'm a dick because of some of the music i make, and i don't like that. I'm a nice guy, with a good family that was raised well, and i don't intend to portray myself in any other manner. Once again, sorry.
7. Am i okay? Yeah. I'm awesome
8. How many people have i had sex with? One... unless you count head as sex, too. Haha
9. Who am i hooking up with right now? My hand
(brief interlude, i am not fabricating these questions. I'm going through my inbox on my phone and reanswering them haha.. you guys are weird)
10. Why do i still like the Twins? Total truth, the Twins are as much a part of summer to me as beach volleyball and hanging with friends. They keep me morale up, even when they're losing, because i love em.
11. What's the best song off of "Thomas Lake Mixtape"? track number 4. It's called "Lifted" and Sean features in it.
12. How do i feel about one-night stands? I mean, i don't know. Maybe i'm a puss, but i wouldn't have sex with someone i just met for one night ya kno? But like, other shit has and will go down, and it's fine. College
13. Am i drunk? No
14. What am i even scared of? Tangible: sharks. Intangible: dying and not telling my friends and fam beforehand that i love them.
15. Why is this my last summer at home? Because I will have a house up at Moorhead next year. Also, because i wanna start my life on my own.
(another interlude... that concludes the questions that i have gotten through text, now im gonna make up my own shit. hellllllyeah)
16. What's my favorite color? Green. So all you green eyed girls are very susceptible to winning my heart.
17. Where was i born? Ann Arbor, MI.
18. Where do i wanna live when i'm older? Cali.
19. What's my dream job? Manage a recording studio/label.
20. What's my favorite food? Tacos. Yakos tacos.
Yeah, i know those last five were gay.
I hope this shuts you guys up a little bit
-Jack
I don't know why, but I have become particularly irritated the last couple days by feeling like I constantly need to explain myself to random people through their (sometimes deprecatingly asked) questions. In the words of Kanye, "that's that shit i don't like." I don't consider myself a deviously secretive person at all, but the level of monotony in people's questions (even as trivial a question as "How was your first year at school?!") has begun to annoy. So... I'm gonna play a game of 20 questions with myself. Partially, so you guys will stop badgering me... partially, because I miss Formspring. These questions both include shit that i HAVE been asked the last week or so, and shit that i just made up because i needed to fill the void of the remaining questions. Here we go punks..
1. Who do i like? Nobody. Glad that's out of the way..
2. Why do i seem so angry in my tweets? Mainly because when i tweet, i don't intend to be orating to an audience. Like, if the 1,000 followers of mine were in a gymnasium and i had to give a speech, i would NOT talk about stuff like..pooping. haha, I mean i think i just forget that people actually read the shit i post, mainly i just tweet to vent. Sort of like my blog... sorry if i offend you guys with my tweets.
3. Do i still talk to my ex? Yeah, from time to time. We're civil and i still think very highly of her, she's tight!
4. Why do i want to get a tattoo? One, because I've dealt with a lot of deaths of people that are close to me this year. Two, (and less importantly), because I think they look cool. Maybe that's vain of me, but it's the truth.
5. Who are my subtweets about? Probably you, if you think it is.
6. Why do i want to quit music? It is extremely tiresome and is giving me a bad persona. People think i'm a dick because of some of the music i make, and i don't like that. I'm a nice guy, with a good family that was raised well, and i don't intend to portray myself in any other manner. Once again, sorry.
7. Am i okay? Yeah. I'm awesome
8. How many people have i had sex with? One... unless you count head as sex, too. Haha
9. Who am i hooking up with right now? My hand
(brief interlude, i am not fabricating these questions. I'm going through my inbox on my phone and reanswering them haha.. you guys are weird)
10. Why do i still like the Twins? Total truth, the Twins are as much a part of summer to me as beach volleyball and hanging with friends. They keep me morale up, even when they're losing, because i love em.
11. What's the best song off of "Thomas Lake Mixtape"? track number 4. It's called "Lifted" and Sean features in it.
12. How do i feel about one-night stands? I mean, i don't know. Maybe i'm a puss, but i wouldn't have sex with someone i just met for one night ya kno? But like, other shit has and will go down, and it's fine. College
13. Am i drunk? No
14. What am i even scared of? Tangible: sharks. Intangible: dying and not telling my friends and fam beforehand that i love them.
15. Why is this my last summer at home? Because I will have a house up at Moorhead next year. Also, because i wanna start my life on my own.
(another interlude... that concludes the questions that i have gotten through text, now im gonna make up my own shit. hellllllyeah)
16. What's my favorite color? Green. So all you green eyed girls are very susceptible to winning my heart.
17. Where was i born? Ann Arbor, MI.
18. Where do i wanna live when i'm older? Cali.
19. What's my dream job? Manage a recording studio/label.
20. What's my favorite food? Tacos. Yakos tacos.
Yeah, i know those last five were gay.
I hope this shuts you guys up a little bit
-Jack
Monday, June 4, 2012
Where I Stand with Music
I get kind of embarrassed when adults and/or people i don't know tell me they've heard my music. The reason is mainly because humans only hear what they want to or (more importantly) DON'T want to hear. Parents only hear the swear words, for example. It's like bad language is a barrier to the discovery of content or purpose for adults. I don't know, it's hard for me to try to really grasp the emotion I seek to grasp with music when my available dialect is limited. What do I say when i'm mad? "FUCK!!" It shouldn't be a taboo word to bring up during artistic expression, in my honest opinion. That being said, the reality is that society isn't ready to take rap for what it is, because there is so many negative aspects of life that rap encompasses, too. Violence, crime, drugs/alcohol... all shit that ALL of us will be exposed to, but that none of us are really comfortable talking to our parents about. Well.. my parents hear my music.
This leaves me in a weird position. I've always prided myself on keeping only truth in my music, but by doing so, i'm exposing things that certain people that keep me in high regards, such as my parents, aren't comfortable hearing. So, is one expected to "keep it real" or fabricate (and/or keep out certain details) in order to not offend. I don't have an answer...
What i do know is that pursuing a rap career, and maintaining a normal family life are not synonymous. And, if and WHEN i'm forced to choose between the two, i'm gonna sacrifice music in order to have that normal life. So, like, this potential Rhymesayers connection is really awesome and extremely flattering for me, but i don't think i'm as deserving (nor wanting) of it as others... Music as merely a way for me to get rid of some of my angst at the current time. Do i think i'm good? No better than anyone else... I make music that appeases my own interests. Lil' B makes music that appeases his own interests... Nobody is good, nobody is bad. They just are.
So, my music "career" as unsuccessful it was, by MOST of your standards (not mine), is hitting the decrescendo pretty soon here. It was an awesome chapter in my life, but I have a ton of more important shit in life to focus on, and i'm happy with that. I've loved the joy music has brought me and the feedback that you guys have gave me. I hope i've been able to bring some joy to you guys too...
Anyways, I still have "The Thomas Lake Mixtape" coming out pretty soon, which i hope you guys will like. It was super fun to write, because it took me back to a lot of good pre-teen memories; a lot of times i cherish dearly. It's a 17 song project (i currently have 13 songs completed). I'm hoping to make a video or two for it too, but they might not release until after the actual project. So, here's my question for you guys.... out of the available titles for songs, tell me which one you want for me to release?!!!:
Needle Drop, Vibe To It, Kinestethics Remix, Sun Will Rise, Gradual, Love Til September, General Custer.
Whichever title gets the most love, i will release the track at some point this week.
Wednesdays w/ Jack this week: All Of The Lights.
thanks for reading
-Jack
This leaves me in a weird position. I've always prided myself on keeping only truth in my music, but by doing so, i'm exposing things that certain people that keep me in high regards, such as my parents, aren't comfortable hearing. So, is one expected to "keep it real" or fabricate (and/or keep out certain details) in order to not offend. I don't have an answer...
What i do know is that pursuing a rap career, and maintaining a normal family life are not synonymous. And, if and WHEN i'm forced to choose between the two, i'm gonna sacrifice music in order to have that normal life. So, like, this potential Rhymesayers connection is really awesome and extremely flattering for me, but i don't think i'm as deserving (nor wanting) of it as others... Music as merely a way for me to get rid of some of my angst at the current time. Do i think i'm good? No better than anyone else... I make music that appeases my own interests. Lil' B makes music that appeases his own interests... Nobody is good, nobody is bad. They just are.
So, my music "career" as unsuccessful it was, by MOST of your standards (not mine), is hitting the decrescendo pretty soon here. It was an awesome chapter in my life, but I have a ton of more important shit in life to focus on, and i'm happy with that. I've loved the joy music has brought me and the feedback that you guys have gave me. I hope i've been able to bring some joy to you guys too...
Anyways, I still have "The Thomas Lake Mixtape" coming out pretty soon, which i hope you guys will like. It was super fun to write, because it took me back to a lot of good pre-teen memories; a lot of times i cherish dearly. It's a 17 song project (i currently have 13 songs completed). I'm hoping to make a video or two for it too, but they might not release until after the actual project. So, here's my question for you guys.... out of the available titles for songs, tell me which one you want for me to release?!!!:
Needle Drop, Vibe To It, Kinestethics Remix, Sun Will Rise, Gradual, Love Til September, General Custer.
Whichever title gets the most love, i will release the track at some point this week.
Wednesdays w/ Jack this week: All Of The Lights.
thanks for reading
-Jack
Thursday, May 31, 2012
Women
I was debating foregoing an appropriate and relevant topic sentence, and saying something like "F^&4 a B%^&#", but i won't.
Ever since i can remember, my mom has told me "girls are just awful, Jack." It's as though she was trying to mold me to be gay... I never really understood how she could hate a group that she was a part of, but throughout my life i've come across many females that hold the same beliefs. I'm constantly hearing you girls bash your own gender, and i don't know if it's a self-loathing thing, jealousy, or just exhaustion from trying to keep up with the socially-indoctrinated roles that women are forced to adopt. I kinda feel bad at times...
Dudes are allowed to go days without shaving, and it's commonplace. Girls go a couple days without shaving and you better know that all of us guys are just staring at your liphair whilst having a conversation with you. I feel bad... I mean, i'm not calling for the de-womanification (yes, i made that word up) of the gender, and i don't advocate hairy women in the least bit (even though some European armpit-haired women are cute.... yes, i'm the dude that admitted that), but i just thought i should recognize the work you guys do.
I've recently noticed myself writing more "love" songs, especially around this time of the year. I don't know, i just think summer and girls go together like pb & J... or matt galloway and his gay little dog (that's payback for hacking my Twitter, btw). I watched an interview of Drake the other day, in which he was confronted about being "soft" and making music solely for women.... he said something that kind of struck a chord with me. He said he "likes to study women." I think i'm probably the same.... I've been with enough girls to know that some of you are WEIRD AS SHIT. But some are also awesome as hell, and have layers behind them that would never be seen to the naked eye (i'm not speaking anatomy wise..).
I guess i didn't have a point to this blog.... It was kinda provoked by the 12 retweets i got on my tweet that said "Sandwich maybe?" 6 of those retweets were girls... haha you're a weird breed. But we love ya
-Jack
Ever since i can remember, my mom has told me "girls are just awful, Jack." It's as though she was trying to mold me to be gay... I never really understood how she could hate a group that she was a part of, but throughout my life i've come across many females that hold the same beliefs. I'm constantly hearing you girls bash your own gender, and i don't know if it's a self-loathing thing, jealousy, or just exhaustion from trying to keep up with the socially-indoctrinated roles that women are forced to adopt. I kinda feel bad at times...
Dudes are allowed to go days without shaving, and it's commonplace. Girls go a couple days without shaving and you better know that all of us guys are just staring at your liphair whilst having a conversation with you. I feel bad... I mean, i'm not calling for the de-womanification (yes, i made that word up) of the gender, and i don't advocate hairy women in the least bit (even though some European armpit-haired women are cute.... yes, i'm the dude that admitted that), but i just thought i should recognize the work you guys do.
I've recently noticed myself writing more "love" songs, especially around this time of the year. I don't know, i just think summer and girls go together like pb & J... or matt galloway and his gay little dog (that's payback for hacking my Twitter, btw). I watched an interview of Drake the other day, in which he was confronted about being "soft" and making music solely for women.... he said something that kind of struck a chord with me. He said he "likes to study women." I think i'm probably the same.... I've been with enough girls to know that some of you are WEIRD AS SHIT. But some are also awesome as hell, and have layers behind them that would never be seen to the naked eye (i'm not speaking anatomy wise..).
I guess i didn't have a point to this blog.... It was kinda provoked by the 12 retweets i got on my tweet that said "Sandwich maybe?" 6 of those retweets were girls... haha you're a weird breed. But we love ya
-Jack
Wednesday, May 30, 2012
Growing Up
This post was conjured up partially due to my reaction to the Senior 2012 Flash Mob video...
I miss high school. Eastview was an institution that while I was a member of it, i absolutely despised. The place inferiorized even the most beloved athletes and musicians with their bullshit policies and overbearing administration that wouldn't allow the slightest reference to the intake of alcohol on a color day shirt. So, no i don't miss the school. I miss the mentality of being a high schooler... everything was so carefree and liberating. I didn't have to worry about how I was doing financially (maybe that hindered me..) and i didn't have to plan for my career in the least bit. Classes were easy as hell, my friends were tight, and everyone had this stigma that we would stay young forever. I remember the pre-Concordia days prospect of college being a big raincloud over the promises of last summer. I dealt with a breakup that had residual effects lasting at least 6 months after the shit ended. I began to see friendships being eradicated, and adults that i thought were so crucial to my upbringing feel as though i had already been brought up. It's like a kid's mentality towards life is supposed to change right when he graduates from high school. He has to embrace this "Game Face" that seems remarkably unaffected by the vastness of confusion and anxiety that actually embodies the progression he's going through. I was scared shitless; just wasn't allowed to show it.
The truth is, I don't think we ever grow up... there's a difference between growing up and maturing. I've definitely matured from the kid that would rip tags off of frolf disks at Dick's sporting goods and tuck them adjacent to my ballsack as i exited the store without paying. I'm not the same kid that snuck out of his bedroom window to go egg cars on the side of the road with his thirsty-for-rebellion neighbor. I think i have more respect for the world that i live in than i did as a kid growing up. However, i still have the nervous knot in my stomach when i go to pick up a girl i like. I still get shy and blush when someone i sorta-know, sorta-dont know comes through my line at Target. I still miss my mom when i go days without hugging her goodnight. We don't grow up.
But that's a good thing. I picture myself working a white-collar position about 10 years from now, hopefully making triple figures. I still picture myself getting drunk with my friends and playing poker, maybe slipping in a few freestyle sessions. It's healthy to keep fun in your life, no matter the situation. (That being said, shoutout to kids like Leo Lakpa doing summer school and trying to make their education come faster to get on to the real world sooner.) I have the utmost respect for those of you ready to move on from your past, but i'll never be that kid. I hold, near and dear to my heart, the memories i've made over the years with some awesome people and some awesome opportunities my life and my god has provided me with.
I only wish for one thing of my life and that's to never stop being happy and finding fun in the situation i find myself in.
-Jack
I miss high school. Eastview was an institution that while I was a member of it, i absolutely despised. The place inferiorized even the most beloved athletes and musicians with their bullshit policies and overbearing administration that wouldn't allow the slightest reference to the intake of alcohol on a color day shirt. So, no i don't miss the school. I miss the mentality of being a high schooler... everything was so carefree and liberating. I didn't have to worry about how I was doing financially (maybe that hindered me..) and i didn't have to plan for my career in the least bit. Classes were easy as hell, my friends were tight, and everyone had this stigma that we would stay young forever. I remember the pre-Concordia days prospect of college being a big raincloud over the promises of last summer. I dealt with a breakup that had residual effects lasting at least 6 months after the shit ended. I began to see friendships being eradicated, and adults that i thought were so crucial to my upbringing feel as though i had already been brought up. It's like a kid's mentality towards life is supposed to change right when he graduates from high school. He has to embrace this "Game Face" that seems remarkably unaffected by the vastness of confusion and anxiety that actually embodies the progression he's going through. I was scared shitless; just wasn't allowed to show it.
The truth is, I don't think we ever grow up... there's a difference between growing up and maturing. I've definitely matured from the kid that would rip tags off of frolf disks at Dick's sporting goods and tuck them adjacent to my ballsack as i exited the store without paying. I'm not the same kid that snuck out of his bedroom window to go egg cars on the side of the road with his thirsty-for-rebellion neighbor. I think i have more respect for the world that i live in than i did as a kid growing up. However, i still have the nervous knot in my stomach when i go to pick up a girl i like. I still get shy and blush when someone i sorta-know, sorta-dont know comes through my line at Target. I still miss my mom when i go days without hugging her goodnight. We don't grow up.
But that's a good thing. I picture myself working a white-collar position about 10 years from now, hopefully making triple figures. I still picture myself getting drunk with my friends and playing poker, maybe slipping in a few freestyle sessions. It's healthy to keep fun in your life, no matter the situation. (That being said, shoutout to kids like Leo Lakpa doing summer school and trying to make their education come faster to get on to the real world sooner.) I have the utmost respect for those of you ready to move on from your past, but i'll never be that kid. I hold, near and dear to my heart, the memories i've made over the years with some awesome people and some awesome opportunities my life and my god has provided me with.
I only wish for one thing of my life and that's to never stop being happy and finding fun in the situation i find myself in.
-Jack
Tuesday, May 29, 2012
When you see a pretty girl...
So, straight to the story...
It was a usual cart shift at Target today (aside from the cunt child that shat on the floor in the bathroom, forcing me to mop the place and try to contain my vomit). I was in the midst of pushing in a row of about 9 carts from the center of the parking lot, through the middle door that makes a loud "Bang" everytime a cart is forced against it, usually resulting in an Asian woman next to me letting out a surprised "oooo!" But this time was different...
As i was just about to make that familiar "bang" noise against the door, I caught one of the prettiest girls i'd ever seen out of the corner of my eye. The usual Jack thing to do would just be to pretend like i didn't see her and keep pushing the carts, seemingly untainted by her appearance in my peripherals. I was feeling... ballsy, per say. I turned my neck and looked at her, like... deliberately straining myself to make sure she knew i was looking at her, and smiled. She smiled back in that cute way girls do where they can't directly look you in the eyes (the little up-down) and then turned her attention back towards the pavement she was moving forward on; moving away from me and my carts. I could analyze her reaction to me in one of two ways. One (the positive way), she could have been the shy type (like me) that can muster up a smile but doesn't dare to delve deeper towards the potential for spontaneous small-talk, or (more awkwardly) some more "up-downs." Two (the negative way) is that she got weird-ed out and gave the same smile, and then quick staring at the ground, that I give to old, crippled people i catch staring at me in the mall.
Maybe it's this split that has me asking... what else could i have done? When you see a pretty girl, how do you maintain some level of ingenuity and coolness?; enough so you can say something that lets her know you're interested, without letting her know you're interested, and that hints at potential interest without seeming creepy or like every other tool dude that has probably approached such attractive-of-a-girl prior to you two interacting. It's weird..
Honestly, i didn't have the chance to even deliver a "Hey" in the position i was in. I was in the process of pushing in a row of carts up a slanted pavement before nailing a door that doesn't seem like it should be nailed... if i would have tried to make conversation my out-of-breathe voice, and job title that became identifiable to this female, would have suggested i have some sort of mental disorder. Remember, i cleaned human shit off the floor tonight. This was one of those girls that probably is working at Nordstrom, spraying perfume on the wrists of old, rich women. I don't think i will ever impress a girl whilst dressed in red and khakis, pushing carts at the Eagan Target. Wealth isn't power, it is confidence. Confidence that i may be depressingly repressed from, due to my financial situation. The good news... i'm young, and in the future i'm gonna be loooooooaded (Cue Smoke DZA music).
At the end of the day, i got a smile from a pretty girl. We'll leave it at that.
-Jack
It was a usual cart shift at Target today (aside from the cunt child that shat on the floor in the bathroom, forcing me to mop the place and try to contain my vomit). I was in the midst of pushing in a row of about 9 carts from the center of the parking lot, through the middle door that makes a loud "Bang" everytime a cart is forced against it, usually resulting in an Asian woman next to me letting out a surprised "oooo!" But this time was different...
As i was just about to make that familiar "bang" noise against the door, I caught one of the prettiest girls i'd ever seen out of the corner of my eye. The usual Jack thing to do would just be to pretend like i didn't see her and keep pushing the carts, seemingly untainted by her appearance in my peripherals. I was feeling... ballsy, per say. I turned my neck and looked at her, like... deliberately straining myself to make sure she knew i was looking at her, and smiled. She smiled back in that cute way girls do where they can't directly look you in the eyes (the little up-down) and then turned her attention back towards the pavement she was moving forward on; moving away from me and my carts. I could analyze her reaction to me in one of two ways. One (the positive way), she could have been the shy type (like me) that can muster up a smile but doesn't dare to delve deeper towards the potential for spontaneous small-talk, or (more awkwardly) some more "up-downs." Two (the negative way) is that she got weird-ed out and gave the same smile, and then quick staring at the ground, that I give to old, crippled people i catch staring at me in the mall.
Maybe it's this split that has me asking... what else could i have done? When you see a pretty girl, how do you maintain some level of ingenuity and coolness?; enough so you can say something that lets her know you're interested, without letting her know you're interested, and that hints at potential interest without seeming creepy or like every other tool dude that has probably approached such attractive-of-a-girl prior to you two interacting. It's weird..
Honestly, i didn't have the chance to even deliver a "Hey" in the position i was in. I was in the process of pushing in a row of carts up a slanted pavement before nailing a door that doesn't seem like it should be nailed... if i would have tried to make conversation my out-of-breathe voice, and job title that became identifiable to this female, would have suggested i have some sort of mental disorder. Remember, i cleaned human shit off the floor tonight. This was one of those girls that probably is working at Nordstrom, spraying perfume on the wrists of old, rich women. I don't think i will ever impress a girl whilst dressed in red and khakis, pushing carts at the Eagan Target. Wealth isn't power, it is confidence. Confidence that i may be depressingly repressed from, due to my financial situation. The good news... i'm young, and in the future i'm gonna be loooooooaded (Cue Smoke DZA music).
At the end of the day, i got a smile from a pretty girl. We'll leave it at that.
-Jack
Saturday, May 19, 2012
Blessed
If I could say the n-word i would start this post off with a Schoolboy Q lyric. However, to preserve my dignity and any chance I have at making it somewhere in rap... i'll just say i'm blessed.
I hear a lot of bullshit complaints everywhere i go... what twitter might call "#firstworldproblems". So and so dumped me, so and so found a new girl.... even something as trivial as "my fingers hurt." I think partially, people like to stay in this negative funk because they LOVE to have the liberty to complain. My dad is probably pissed right now that the Twins are winning, because he'd rather sit on the couch nightly and bitch about how terrible Gardy's organization is.... i'm gonna try something though. Here are five reasons why I am blessed:
1) I'm alive. This may seem like a cliche or premeditated response, but really its true. I've lost three people near-and-dear to my heart within the last 12 months. All of these people were under 22 years old. When i was a kid, i never thought about death. The prospect of some crazy accident occuring and taking my life never seemed realistic; this year was an eye-opener. I'm very grateful to still be here and have the opportunity to live out my purpose for existing.
2) I come from a good family. Without my family I would be money-less, job-less, and altogether hope-less. Like every other nose-too-high teenager, I've had my periods of time where I've taken my family for granted. That now disgusts me. My mom is the kindest woman i've ever met, my dad can be a dick but has been there for me more than anybody else throughout my life, my brother embodies every brotherly characteristic i could ask of him, and my sister sends me puppy chow when i'm away at school. I wouldn't know how to love if it weren't for these people (insert soundclip of lil wayne's "how to love").
3) My friends. I've had some rough times... i've prevailed each one of them. I think the reason that we people develop friendships is so they can fulfill every role that our family can't. My friends have been the ones who've had my back when conflicts arise, and the ones that i've been able to talk to about shit i'm too embarrassed to tell my folks. They're the ones who kept me going throughout this difficult beginning of the year, and i'm humbled to have gotten to know such an amazing group. Can't really put into perspective the impact that each one of them has played in my life, but i have eternal gratitude to God bringing them to me.
4) My health. I'm kinda lanky... my ears are pretty big.... i flinch when you get towards my nipples. But, i'm healthy. I've actually never even broken a bone. Sometimes i feel guilty about this, cuz i hear horror stories of infants developing leukemia and i legitimately wish i could take their pain away and onto myself. A lot of my family is plagued with both physical and mental diseases and it's hard to watch... but i'm okay. I'm breathing, i'm functioning, and i feel good. Not a day goes by i don't have utter appreciation for that.
5) My future. It's crazy to think that there's nations on this earth that put the chokehold on children being able to dream. I've been told since day one that i can be WHATEVER i wanna be, and i have no doubts whatsoever that that's true. I actually don't even stress about my future in the least bit because i know that wherever i end up, i will be happy, and that the cards will fall where they should. I'm lucky to have such supportive factors in my life, including our democracy, that allows me the freedom to construct the future i want to.
Think about why you're blessed. It's therapeutic to realize how much you have going for you
-jack
I hear a lot of bullshit complaints everywhere i go... what twitter might call "#firstworldproblems". So and so dumped me, so and so found a new girl.... even something as trivial as "my fingers hurt." I think partially, people like to stay in this negative funk because they LOVE to have the liberty to complain. My dad is probably pissed right now that the Twins are winning, because he'd rather sit on the couch nightly and bitch about how terrible Gardy's organization is.... i'm gonna try something though. Here are five reasons why I am blessed:
1) I'm alive. This may seem like a cliche or premeditated response, but really its true. I've lost three people near-and-dear to my heart within the last 12 months. All of these people were under 22 years old. When i was a kid, i never thought about death. The prospect of some crazy accident occuring and taking my life never seemed realistic; this year was an eye-opener. I'm very grateful to still be here and have the opportunity to live out my purpose for existing.
2) I come from a good family. Without my family I would be money-less, job-less, and altogether hope-less. Like every other nose-too-high teenager, I've had my periods of time where I've taken my family for granted. That now disgusts me. My mom is the kindest woman i've ever met, my dad can be a dick but has been there for me more than anybody else throughout my life, my brother embodies every brotherly characteristic i could ask of him, and my sister sends me puppy chow when i'm away at school. I wouldn't know how to love if it weren't for these people (insert soundclip of lil wayne's "how to love").
3) My friends. I've had some rough times... i've prevailed each one of them. I think the reason that we people develop friendships is so they can fulfill every role that our family can't. My friends have been the ones who've had my back when conflicts arise, and the ones that i've been able to talk to about shit i'm too embarrassed to tell my folks. They're the ones who kept me going throughout this difficult beginning of the year, and i'm humbled to have gotten to know such an amazing group. Can't really put into perspective the impact that each one of them has played in my life, but i have eternal gratitude to God bringing them to me.
4) My health. I'm kinda lanky... my ears are pretty big.... i flinch when you get towards my nipples. But, i'm healthy. I've actually never even broken a bone. Sometimes i feel guilty about this, cuz i hear horror stories of infants developing leukemia and i legitimately wish i could take their pain away and onto myself. A lot of my family is plagued with both physical and mental diseases and it's hard to watch... but i'm okay. I'm breathing, i'm functioning, and i feel good. Not a day goes by i don't have utter appreciation for that.
5) My future. It's crazy to think that there's nations on this earth that put the chokehold on children being able to dream. I've been told since day one that i can be WHATEVER i wanna be, and i have no doubts whatsoever that that's true. I actually don't even stress about my future in the least bit because i know that wherever i end up, i will be happy, and that the cards will fall where they should. I'm lucky to have such supportive factors in my life, including our democracy, that allows me the freedom to construct the future i want to.
Think about why you're blessed. It's therapeutic to realize how much you have going for you
-jack
Sunday, April 8, 2012
Easter in perspective
I went to church last night. Although this occurrence may seem mundane and expected to most of you, you gotta understand my relationship with religion to truly see the significance of my appearance at Shepherd of the Valley. Two years ago I was teaching Sunday School at that place, and now church has become a biannual stop for me (Christmas, and Easter). Part of the reason I don't really attend Church anymore is because I fail to grasp anything concrete from a 50 minute service. Yesterday was particularly weird, though...
The pre-service routine of staring at the little babies in the pews in front of me was still on schedule. I turned to my dad and said "You know what's kind of gay? No other religion seems to try and convert outsiders. Christians are pretty arrogant." He didn't like that. I gotta text from Marisa saying she saw me in the sanctuary. I was glad I got this text because it allowed for me to occupy most of time by scanning the crowd looking for her (to no avail, though). Then the service started. There was a Senior Choir that performed something in this Oprah-styled manner, (that's a euphemism for "a style of music that disinterested me). I started to look closely at the singers, and I suddenly felt like I was living a sequel of "The Grinch" in this church. Let me explain...
In "The Grinch," for those who haven't seen it, Who-ville celebrates Christmas in this crazy, flamboyant way. Anyone who doesn't hold the utmost excitement for the holiday is shunned as an outcast. I felt like an outcast. The excitement amongst these people at Church just seemed SO feigned. I looked around the bleachers and saw a bunch of sinners. In my head, I visualized a woman who cheated on her husband. I saw a man who was guilty of domestic violence, and another man who's had a history as a thief. How could a group of such blatant sinners be so inebriated in their religion??
Right when series of these questions were going through my head, a light came shining through the top window and hit me in the right eye. Weirdly enough, the questions stopped. Now, it was a particularly gloomy day and so this kind of an event left me really curious. Just like science can "disprove" religion, I'm sure meteorologist Dave Dahl could offer some knowledge on how the right time of the day allowed for the sun to peak through at such an angle. Well, I digress.
If I were a symbolic person, I would use this event to remind myself that even when the sun (son) seems to be hiding, it's still there. Church isn't about living up to Christian ideals. It isn't about learning the bible verses , and it isn't even about repenting for your sins; do that on your own time. I think the most crucial part of church is to try to find something worthwhile. Find something that you can apply to your life, or that can keep you moving. Regardless, Faith > religion, and i don't mean to upset any atheists, agnostics, or different religions with this post. If you have YOUR OWN morals, and abide to them, you will be given endless respect from me.
Have a good easter with the fam, friends, or anyone else that has helped you get to where you're at.
-Jack
The pre-service routine of staring at the little babies in the pews in front of me was still on schedule. I turned to my dad and said "You know what's kind of gay? No other religion seems to try and convert outsiders. Christians are pretty arrogant." He didn't like that. I gotta text from Marisa saying she saw me in the sanctuary. I was glad I got this text because it allowed for me to occupy most of time by scanning the crowd looking for her (to no avail, though). Then the service started. There was a Senior Choir that performed something in this Oprah-styled manner, (that's a euphemism for "a style of music that disinterested me). I started to look closely at the singers, and I suddenly felt like I was living a sequel of "The Grinch" in this church. Let me explain...
In "The Grinch," for those who haven't seen it, Who-ville celebrates Christmas in this crazy, flamboyant way. Anyone who doesn't hold the utmost excitement for the holiday is shunned as an outcast. I felt like an outcast. The excitement amongst these people at Church just seemed SO feigned. I looked around the bleachers and saw a bunch of sinners. In my head, I visualized a woman who cheated on her husband. I saw a man who was guilty of domestic violence, and another man who's had a history as a thief. How could a group of such blatant sinners be so inebriated in their religion??
Right when series of these questions were going through my head, a light came shining through the top window and hit me in the right eye. Weirdly enough, the questions stopped. Now, it was a particularly gloomy day and so this kind of an event left me really curious. Just like science can "disprove" religion, I'm sure meteorologist Dave Dahl could offer some knowledge on how the right time of the day allowed for the sun to peak through at such an angle. Well, I digress.
If I were a symbolic person, I would use this event to remind myself that even when the sun (son) seems to be hiding, it's still there. Church isn't about living up to Christian ideals. It isn't about learning the bible verses , and it isn't even about repenting for your sins; do that on your own time. I think the most crucial part of church is to try to find something worthwhile. Find something that you can apply to your life, or that can keep you moving. Regardless, Faith > religion, and i don't mean to upset any atheists, agnostics, or different religions with this post. If you have YOUR OWN morals, and abide to them, you will be given endless respect from me.
Have a good easter with the fam, friends, or anyone else that has helped you get to where you're at.
-Jack
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)